christuckmystory

Good evening everyone :o)

This is just an up date of what I have been doing and feeling this week.

3 days ago Karen sent me the latest version of Chris Tuck – ‘My Story’ ……it took me two days to read it and well I was choked. There is still alot to add but what  has been written so far is fantastic. I have sent it to a few close people to get their opinion of it and then will work with Karen on getting it completed.

Karen has told me that it has been a labour of love to get it to where it is at the moment.

I am starting to look around for a publisher but do not really know where to start. I am talking to Karen and Christianne Wolffe about this….do any of you have any ideas?

This week has been abit of a roller coaster week for me emotionally and physically. Whilst trying to deal with the emotional rollercoaster of the hypnotherapy and reading my book to trying to be there for my hubby, kids and clients. Sometimes I feel physically drained but emotionally rewarded.

It is a really weird feeling, I need to relax but I want to help more and more people so am driven to work harder!!

Today I have been to see Croydon Radio about having my own regular slot as their Health & Fitness Expert and this looks like it is going to happen so I am really excited about this; it means I can get my message of leading a ‘cleaner’ life across to more people.

I have started my training and preparation for KSFL which is launching in Jan 2013 in WW am mega excited about this!

So again lots of fingers in alot of pies but will just keep chipping away :O) I have scheduled a few treats into my diary for myself next week to make sure I balance out my life. This is important to me……for my physical and mental wellbeing.

Have a fab weekend!

Chris x

At my recent  Hypnotherapy session with Tanya she asked me if I was ready to work on something deeper…..namely going back into my past as an adult and rescuing me as my younger self from whatever situation presented itself first.

I immediately became emotional because I could not only rescue me it had to be me and my siblings. I could not leave anyone behind.

Tanya knowing me thought that this would be my reaction and needed to know what I wanted to do before the hypnotherapy began.

Tanya got me to relax and asked me to envisage a room one that I have not seen or been before. Immediately a clean square large room presented itself to me, a large brown leather sofa was in the room against the left wall and one  in front of me. This sofa in front of me was opposite french doors which were open onto a large swimming pool. The sun was streaming into the room and bouncing off the blue water in the pool. The breeze was making the curtains move. I sensed myself sitting on the sofa and just chilling looking out onto the pool.

Tanya asked me to visualise all the positive things that I had achieved in my life be in the room with me….all the books I have read, all the course work that I had done, all my course certificates that I had achieved be around me. Anything that re-enforced that fact that I am a successful and happy adult.

I immediately saw a full size skeleton in the left hand corner of the room near the french doors and a bookcase on the right hand side. i told Tanya that this room was my Consultancy room; I did not know which country it was in but it was a safe and calm place for me to be in and that is what she wanted me to achieve.

A safe place where I could go back in time, rescue my younger self and my siblings, tell my  dad and Vi what I thought of them and then bring my younger self and siblings back to my safe place.

Tanya that asked me to float outside my body and travel back to a point in time where I felt I could rescue my younger self. I did this but there was a few clear situations that kept on pooping up in my head. Tanya told me I was just observing…..I was not to go into the scene yet and do anything….it was really weird sensation looking at the different scenes.

1) In the kitchen of 85 Anerley Road where George and my mum were holding down my brother Dave and giving him a hiding with a belt. I was screaming leave him alone……I was really really upset, angry, shaking.

Over the years when I see mum’s overly chastising their kids in public areas (slapping them) or men threatening or hitting their women I have stepped in. I feel the hackles go up on my back, my breathing quickens and I feel myself grow in stature and then I intervene! not always a good thing!!! but it’s the protector in me coming out as adult trying to make amends for the times I failed as small Chris.

I will not allow myself or my hubby to smack my children or allow adults get too over friendly with my children. Again I need

2) I was 7, I was crying for my mum to come back. I had fallen to the ground in the front garden of 4 Jasmine Grove Penge, begging my mum to come back. There was a blue & pink hydrangea underneath the front window of the house, I remember the vivid colours, I remember feeling cold and alone. My dad had already ushered my siblings into the house and he had come back out for me. He picked me up and I was hitting him in the shoulders calling for my mum. He told me to be quiet and that mum had left and was not coming back.

3) In the back room of house in Stanley Road, Bromley. Dad sitting on the sofa, some of Vi’s kids had just got us into trouble with Vi again and we were going to be punished. I ran into the back room to tell Dad about the unfairness of it all. He told me in front of everyone that we all needed to learn to get on, we could not carry on tittle tattling on each other. He said he was not going to listen to us any more…..and he let Vi do what she wanted. Vi’s kids made things up, they told their mum and we were punished, when we told Vi what her kids did she told us not to lie and we were punished. Now here was my Dad, our only safety net telling us that there was now no protection and giving Vi the green light to do what she wanted.

Scene 3 was the scanario that my mind settled on. Tanya told me to float down into the room as the adult Chris which I did. She told me to describe the scene……I told her that I could see my dad clearly and Vi to the side but I could not see anyone else I just sensed that they were there. I could not even see me; because I was me as the young Chris facing my dad…..shaking with anger at what he had just said.

Tanya told me to stand there as the adult Chris and put my arm around the young Chris which I did…..I can still see my arm around the younger Chris’s shoulders. She was so small, so thin, so frail, had frizzy hair; I could not see her face I just felt the solidness of her; the smallness of her. I wanted to protect her and tell her it was all going to be ok.

Tanya asked me to talk to my dad and tell him what I was thinking……at first I found it difficult to speak….and then I told him that I thought he was a weak man, I told him he should be protecting his children, he should not be sticking up for children that were not his. I told him to open his eyes and see what was really going on. He looked sad and resigned.

Tanya then asked me to describe Vi…….she looked like a witch, scraggly hair, lines around her lips from smoking too much, broken stumps for teeth which were nicotine’d and well as her fingers. She was a cruel and viscous woman; even her voice cackled.

She told me to tell her what I thought as the adult Chris. I told Tanya I wanted to punch her like I had Shrutti! Tanya told me that was not a good idea because I was better than her. So as adult Chris I said “How could you?”  She (I was holding onto and squeezing the young Chris’s shoulders) is only small, she is defenceless, how could you do all those horrible things to her? to all of them? You are a disgrace, you are a violent and viscous women. You are no longer going to ill treat them, I am taking them away with me!”

Whilst all this was coming out of my mouth I was sobbing and crying……

Tanya asked me if I was ready to rescue the younger Chris and my siblings and come back to my safe place and I said yes. Tanya told me that Vi and Dad were sad people and that they should be left on their own together.

I then took my sister’s and brothers hands and we floated to my safe room. I saw us as children sitting on the sofa. Tanya asked me to visualise us all as adults sitting on the sofa and I could do that quite easily. My brothers as adults were laughing but my sister as an adult is still deeply affected and this saddens me.

Tanya told me that I had done well to be able to do what I had done. I felt really frazzled afterwards, tired and emotionally drained which is all part of the process.

I was going to come home and get on with some work and maybe have a sleep but  I went out to lunch with my hubby instead. My hubby is having problems at work at the moment and it is not my place to discuss this here however his low mood does affect me and yes I am here for him not trying to fix him(see am learning slowly) but just to listen and offer advise if he wants it.  My hubby does not know that I am on my journey of discovery; again the mother in me wants to protect. My own worst enemy!!!

Anyway I am going on a spa day with my sister next weds so no hypnotherapy session for me for two weeks. On this journey of mine I have realised that my family need more of my time and I need down time; especially to process all the emotional turmoil. With this is mind these posts will only happen when I have something to say…..so please be patient and keep on checking in.

Thank you for reading.

Chris x

Hmmmmm sorry I have not posted for a over a week, I have had to get my head down and focus on my business and my family.

My last hypnotherapy session was two weeks ago and I blogged about finally finding my voice and speaking out when you suffer abuse whether it be physical, mental or sexual abuse; rather than keeping quiet and suffering.

That particular blog post was hard for me to write but I found a sense of peace afterwards :o)

I had another Hypnotherapy session today and it was very emotional for me.  Tanya asked me about several areas of my life and what I wanted to work on first.

One of the areas was for me to stop being the ‘MUM’ figure in my siblings lives because it is putting too much strain on me; I just want a brother and sister relationship with my siblings……..I think but it is going to be hard :O(

When you are a MUM things are just expected of you; you are taken for granted. You will do anything for your kids; you would literally die for your kids.

When you are a sister or brother it’s a different relationship it’s more of an exchange; you do things for each other.

I have felt over the year’s that my role as ‘MUM’ as robbed me of just being a sibling; I feel that I have held everything and everyone together for a long long time and the magnitude of this is overwhelming.

When I was 7 and my mum left us, I immediately picked up the mum role to my brother 8, sister 5 and brother 3. I seemed to grow up overnight; I was always on guard to protect and help 24/7. I believe that this is one of the reasons why I cannot completely relax to this day.

When we lived with Vi and her daughter’s, my dad stood up for her girls and just told us all to get on. That did not happen I felt very let down by my dad and this just re-enforced my role as the protector the ‘MUM’.

When my sister told me about her abuse I was the one that helped her through it. Over the year’s I have helped all my siblings out in way or another and to be truthful I was glad I was able to. Although at times it did get me down; it felt like I had no-one to really turn to. Over the last 6 months I have been able to talk to my sister Hydie on a more personal level and my brother Dave to some extent.

I just think that my relationship role has got confused and the main culprit in this is ME. A few people that I have worked with over the year’s have told me that I need to make the changes but old habits die hard. I hate to see any of my siblings suffer. If they needed money, advise, food, shelter, anything I have been there. However as my family and business has grown and my resources have gotten smaller I have had to be careful with what I do and don’t do for my siblings and this causes me fear.

The feelings and emotions that we had of no food, no shelter, holes in shoes, clothes and being neglected is forever there biting at my ankles. I often wonder why I work so hard and I believe it is to make sure that I always have a spare couple of hundred quid just in case someone is in need of it; this has always been the case in the past.

Recently I got cross with my sister and I told her that I feel like any spare cash that I have from working bloody hard seems to go to her. I don’t know who was more shocked when I said it me or her. Afterwards I felt guilty for saying it because she has not got much but it would not of come out unless I truly felt it……would it?

I still have this overwhelming sense of protection towards my siblings as a mother. On one hand I want to always be there for them but on the other hand its a huge responsibility and I don’t want that either. I am really confused…….They are now all adults and should be able to run their own lives successfully and they do to a large extent but when the SHIT hits the fan I am the one they come running to. I never really hear about the good news so when my phone goes off it is always a problem to be dealt with. This often brings back all the feelings and emotions from the past.

When my mum became ill I was the one that was there. My mum has never been a mum in the true sense of the word and she has not been capable of being a mum since her aneurysms and strokes. Her emotional and caring side are not there.  I have this overwhelming need to make sure that everyone is ok even if it is not the right thing for me.

When I had my meltdown my counsellor at the time told me that I needed to take care of myself and not visit my mum or help my siblings so much. She told me that I would become very unwell; if I did not cut the apron strings. I felt very selfish.

Acting the mum role is so instinctive in me that I do it in all areas of my life…….to my own kids (most of the time), to my siblings, to my mum, to my husband, to my clients. I try and fix everything and get very frustrated, disappointed and upset when I cannot achieve this for whatever reason :O(

So this is an area that I will be working on with Tanya to try and find peace with in myself. To try and figure out how I can be there for my siblings without being the mum. I am very confused about what an actual sibling relationship should be like and I cannot wait to develop this.

Tanya my Hypnotherapist asked me:

“Why do you want to put your story out there in the public arena? Why do you want to share your thoughts and feelings?”

“Why not just write your story for you, rip it up and then burn it!” Why does it have to be public?? why is this so important to you?”

At first I thought it was away of me releasing my emotions, my feelings, it was a way for me to express myself and in doing so help other people.

But then other thoughts started to pop into my head…….

• I want to be heard
• I want someone anyone to recognise what I had suffered and say sorry
• I want a voice
• I want other people to speak up for themselves before their circumstances ruin their lives
• I want acknowledgement that the things my family have been through actually happened; not brushed under the carpet; not another statistic.

Too many people sit on things that they have experienced it causes them stress, turmoil relationship breakups, low self esteem, low self worth.

Over the years I have read 1000’s of real life stories of physical violence, mental abuse and sexual abuse. I have read 100’s of bookon the same topic; trying to get answers to my own experiences.

Some of these people have kept quiet well into their adulthood before they had to finally tell someone because of the huge emotions and feelings they had.

Some people never tell.

Why is this??? To understand this let’s look at the cycle of abuse as I see  and have experienced it……..

CYCLE OF ABUSE

BEFORE THE ABUSE

The Abuser grooms you.

• They are friendly
• They smile at you
• They show interest in you
• They spend time with you
• They make you feel special
• They buy your things you don’t usually have sweets, toys
• They make life fun for you

DURING THE ABUSE

• You are scared
• You are confused
• You pretend it is not happening
• You feel sick
• You feel pain
• You feel dirty
• You want it to be over as quickly as possible
• You are thinking they would not do this; if they did not love me

AFTER THE ABUSE

• “If you tell anyone, I will hurt you!”
• “If you tell no-one will believe you!”
• “If you tell, your mum will be so upset, it will split the family up and you don’t want that do you?”
• “This is our secret” – this makes the abused feel special
• “This is what normal families do”

The Abuser carries on with normal everyday activity and you often think you have dreamt the abuse.

You are confused……

• you trusted the abuser
• you like or even love the abuser
• you don’t want to disappoint the abuser after all they are the only adult who had been kind to you

AFTER LONG TERM ABUSE

• You might wear baggy clothes so you do not draw attention to yourself
• You might pull your bed clothes or clothes up tight around your body, as a comforter
• You might curl up into a ball to make yourself small; again so as to not draw attention to yourself or to protect yourself
• You might feel hurt & betrayal; even hate.
• You might feel special or loved or come to hate and loathe yourself
• You might feel embarrassed and ashamed
• You might keep quiet to keep the peace at home so as to not upset your mum or siblings however keeping quiet, bottling up your feelings and emotions is not healthy and some stage it will come out in some shape or form
• You might think will if I am the main focus – the one being abused – then at least my siblings are protected

AFTER THE ABUSER LEAVES YOUR LIFE

• You might feel unloved and unwanted
• You might stumble through life for years even decades
• You don’t forget what happens
• You might get mixed up with the wrong crowd
• You might take drugs or drink alcohol
• You might eat comfort foods or just food to make yourself fat and ugly
• You might starve yourself to make yourself thin and unattractive or just to just some control back in your life
• You might self harm
• You might find sexual relationships impossible or extremely hard
• You might never trust men or women again
• You might let someone get close and then push them away
• You might not be able to hold a relationship together
• You might have a lot on one night stands
• You know you should go to the police but you might think that they will not believe you especially if you were abused years ago
• You might be too embarrassed to take action
• You might feel like you deserved the abuse?
• You might be suffering from low self esteem and low self worth

All these actions you are doing to yourself to try and blot out or desperately hope that your actions will fill the feeling of emptiness inside of you. Believe me when I tell you…..the only way to fill this endless emptiness is to bring your ABUSER to justice.

SPEAKING UP

You have been a victim for far too long….your life is tatters, you cannot take any more; it’s finally time to tell someone.

You will feel fear and feel sick to the pit of your stomach

You will feel anxious what if no-one believes you?

You will need strength and courage

Try and diarise times dates and what happened to help support your abuse.

It’s time to NAME & SHAME……it’s time to get you some justice!

You have carried a terrible secret for far too long and now is the time to get your life back; its time to take proper control of your life; it’s time to stick up for yourself; it’s time to find YOUR VOICE.

If your loved ones don’t believe you or disown you there are plenty of organisations out there ready and willing to help you. But the first port of call is to call 999.

Speak up today to:

1) Save your sanity & your health

2) To stop your ABUSER doing what they did to you to someone else! – SAVE THEIR LIFE :O)

People who speak up often wish they had done so sooner.

People who have spoken out may get some closure but they often need therapy to deal with their emotions and feelings surrounding the actual abuse & also how the abuse has actually affected them as a person; living their everyday life.

Often abused people will have relationship problems, have a certain attitude towards sex, cannot shoe affection easily, will suffer mental or physical problems.

In my humble and personal opinion I think there is  more at stake when you keep quiet.

You need to have a voice; you need to be heard.

Speaking up is empowering.

When are you going to be brave enough to speak up and change your life?

Again…..thank you for reading  and please pass this blog along to someone who might find it useful.

On tuesday I wrote a blog on how I was treated in my role as Financial controller for a company back in 2000.

This was a time in my life when I should have been happy because I had everything that I had set out to have.

• a husband – being happily married
• a house – a roof over my head
• a baby to love
• Status in my career – Financial Controller
• Money in the bank

It was a strain trying to hold it all together, trying to be perfect, trying to be wonder woman. My health suffered; I had a meltdown. All of which i have already detailed in my previous blog.

Writing about this particular episode in my life bought up emotions that I still carried with me.

Anger, disappointment, hurt and betrayal

Tanya the hypnotherapist, felt that my childhood events were still too deeply buried and painful to deal with so she suggested we worked on dealing with the emotions I still felt surrounding this particular episode of my life.

Tanya tried to get me to relax enough to visualise a punching bag inside a boxing ring. She asked me to picture the faces of the people that I had felt had caused me a problem. She asked me to start prodding the punch bag and start to tell person on the punch bag exactly what I was feeling.

So I did. The idea was to punch the bag as hard as you need to as you tell the person exactly what you think.

Unfortunately the punch bag with the face on did not really work for me. i kept on seeing the persons faces and me actually pummelling the persons face.

Before you start thinking OMG Chris is really violent let me explain something to you!

Bullying at School

I was bullied but 4 people over a 6 month period. They followed me from the bus stop in Crystal Palace to our school in Bromley and back again. They would taunt me school if they had the chance but I was in different sets to them so this was rare; my true friends stuck up for me. The bullies were Asian, black and white.

The bullies called me names, threw stones at me whilst following me down the road to and from school.  they sat behind me on the bus, pulled my hair, jabbed me in the back continuously. I was often in tears but did not show them.

They were menacing and threatening I was constantly watching my back.

I met and started going out with Phil my husband in 1984 when we were 14. Been married 17 years today (together 27 years). The Asian girl thought that she should be going out with Phil and not me; she told me so!

Phil has welsh ancestry in him which gives him a darker colouring. The Asian girl told me that he was her ‘kind’ and not mine and that I had no right in going out with him.

So most of the bullying was to undermine me in Phil’s eyes and cause me misery in the process.

I told the school and my mum that i was being bullied but nothing was said or done about it. I told Phil what the Asian girl has said to me and he laughed and told me not to worry. I must admit at the time I did feel threatened; I felt like Phil would leave me for someone else because of my baggage and being poorer than most of friends.

Anyway to cut a long story short (is there such a thing??) we were on the 227 bus one day travelling to school from Crystal Palace when I saw red and lost it.

I was sitting on the 2nd to last seat on the 227 on the right hand side with my friend Michelle. Phil was sitting in the same seat with his mate Dave but on the left side of the bus; across the aisle.

The Asian girl and her cronies got on and sat behind us on the last seat that went right across the back of the bus. Immediately they started taunting me and pulling my hair in front of Phil…….this was a first.

My inner voice was saying to me:

• ‘how much longer are you going to put up with this?’
• ‘she is showing you up in front of your boyfriend’
• ‘you are weak!’
• ‘why don’t you stick up for yourself?’

I felt my mind go blank, I felt myself stand up, turn around to face the Indian girl and asked her to stop…….she laughed in my face and one of her cronies pushed me. I got hold of the Asian girl, pushed her down onto the back seat and I started to slam my fists into her face.

Pummel after pummel; I was shouting and screaming at her.

I cannot remember was I was saying but I do remember a huge sense of relief wash over me.

I was sticking up for myself! but not just for the bullying, for EVERYTHING! that i had suffered before hand. The mental, the physical and the sexual abuse. Unfortunately this girl was getting the lot!

I finally heard someone scream she is going to kill her. I came to my senses…..I was breathing really hard…..I asked her if she was sorry……and she said yes. I asked her if she would stop bullying me and she agreed (it did not end there!)

Once she agreed I let her up. I was shaking all over; adrenaline was coursing through my body! I felt fantastic on one hand but disgusted with myself on another.

After this frenzied attack of mine, people at school came up to me and patted me on the back. They gave me respect and this made me uncomfortable, I was centre of attention.

I did not like the thought of being a violent person it went against everything that I believed in because of my past. I had been through too much myself and I did not want to be a violent person; this was not me.

I have only just come to terms with this violent episode. I know I was seriously provoked over a long period of time and that they deserved what they got, but I was very scared…..I now knew what I was capable of and that I needed to control it.

So going back to the Hypnotherapy session it was easier for me to see me pummelling actual faces rather than a face stuck on a punch bag…..I can connect the emotions of my bullying episode and how I felt when I pummelled the Asian girl’s face.

I told Tanya about my turmoil and she asked me to visualise the person standing next to the punch bag and rather than pummel their faces physically to start to punch bag as hard as I could.

Now I could not feel or see me punching the punch bag but I did see the punch bag swinging to and fro faster and faster which showed that I was doing it.

After doing this particular exercise I felt very fatigued but calm. More at peace with myself. I went home and slept for 3 hours in the afternoon before my evening classes.

Today as I am typing this up I can honestly say that the memory is softer then what it was……I am not angry when I recall it :O)

Thank you for reading……any comments please leave below :O)

Well I have just got back from Dax Moy’s KCA Level 2 course. I first did this course 2010 4 weeks after having major hip surgery…..I remember I was on crutches and could not take part in any of the practical work. I remember Dax saying that we needed to get out and practise what we had been taught otherwise we would forget.

Unfortunately I have not been mobile enough until recently to practise much of what I have learnt! Over the last 18months I have lost my confidence and my nerve to practise the KCA material hence me going back this weekend to refresh myself!

It was fab the first time round; fantastic the second! I really do feel inspired to give my clients the best results that I can. I know that my holistic approach to health and fitness is the only way for me.

On the way up on the train I have written 4 blog posts which I need to get typed up and I also now know how I am going to structure my On-Line Fat Busters Transformation programme.

I have been feeling a little overwhelmed this week because again I have taken too much on in the short term but I know all the pies that I have my fingers in will all come together nicely.

I have just signed up to do Rachel Holmes KSFL Franchise

I have my On-Line Fat Busters Transformation programme to put together

I have Chris Tuck ‘My Story’ to continue with and get published

I have my PT Business to build

I have Fat Busters Transformation Club and my classes to build

I have Project Phoenix 8 Week Transformation Programme to work on with Tanya Caffrey

But they all have a common theme……they are all about transforming people’s lives for the better, for the long term. Improving thier mental and physical health; something which I am extremely passionate about :O)

So I know now what I have to do and I just need to knuckle down and get on with it.

I was quite confused on weds/thurs……overwhelmed on friday, exhausted on saturday and inspired on knowing my direction and goals today.

I now am signing off to get some R&R, to spend some time with the family before my working week begins at 5.30am in the morning :o)

Thank you for reading……there are more blog posts coming your way this week…..so keep your eyes pealed :O)

I have been feeling a little under the weather for the last few days……sore throat snivels that kind of thing. I have upped by vitamin C, taken my magnesium and zinc but still feel achey hot and cold. Unfortunately rest is needed but my schedule is too busy! So I have taken some cold & flu capsules (dont usually like doing this)!

They have made me feel so good…..my hip is not hurting at the moment and my muscle flexibility has increased!! I know that it is the ingredients in the tablets that have done this. Being aware of this means I have to be sensible not to overdo it and also the nice relaxed non painful feeling that I have at the moment; I could get use to!!

I can see why people take painkillers for a long time if they get this kind of release however taking medication is really dangerous…..there are untold side effects that can come out and cause you more problems than when started!

Masking your symptoms by taking medication does not make you investigate the cause of your problems. By actually tackling the cause your symptoms will disappear.

Have any of you ever become addicted to medication? what for? and how did your deal with it?

Have a fab day,

Chris x

I am not feeling gr8 today have sore throat and sniffles again not letting it get to me just aware that I am not firing on all cylinders :o)

I have worked solidly (around the family) over the last 4 days to write articles for my personaltrainerwestwickham website blog and this blog. I am now feeling tired but happy that I am ahead of my schedule.

This morning I had my BNI meeting at 6.30am. I meet for a 1:1 with one of the chapter members and I am now going to be Personal Training him to get fit and healthy :O) I love doing this.

I have been food shopping today, walked the dog, been for a cycle ride, done 2 school runs, prepared dinner.

I have just eaten a lovely dinner of chicken casserole with the kids whilst I type this and am going out to work at 7pm to teach LBT and then on to a massage.

I am also mulling over a business opportunity with Rachel Holmes….it makes sense to do it because of who Rachel is but will it conflict with my Fat Busters Program??

So another busy day in Chris Tuck’s life :O)

Tomorrow I have my 2nd Hypnotherapy session which I am strangely looking forward to :O)

Over the last few year’s, rightly or wrongly….when I hear and read about men and what they achieve compared to women it frustrates and even angers me!

The phrases “If you really want something or you have to do is get on and do it! Don’t procrastinate!” “Stop making excuses; make time!”

Well I have other things and people in my life to consider. When I say I don’t have the time it is not an excuse…..it is the truth.

I do not have the luxury of spending 100% or even 80% on my business like (most of) my male counterparts or female counterparts that do not have the responsibilities that I do.

My time and energy has to be split in many ways:

• I have children that need feeding and want me to spend time with them
• I have a house that needs cleaning (abit chaotic at the moment!)
• I have a dog that needs walking and caring for
• I have a business that needs building
• I have a husband who feels neglected…..I call him my 3rd child!
• I have siblings that see me as their “mum”
• I have ‘me’ that needs looking after physically and mentally

Many of the really successful men/women in any industry are either on their own or have a partner behind them who is 100% there for them and supportive. The successful person is allowed and encouraged to get on with what they do. They are who they are because they have someone in the background looking after the home, looking after the children & pets.

I am not making excuses, the above is fact.

I have come to realise that I am not superwoman…..it just means that my dreams and aspirations will take alot longer to achieve than I would ideally like. This is a massive realisation for me and one I am still coming to terms with. I want to me doing everything else that everyone else is doing at the rate that they are turning things around but I just am not in a position to :O)

At FEB 2011 & 2012 I made lots of plans on projects that I wanted to complete and I started to feel a failure and became very stressed, especially when I was not able to start or complete things in expected time frames.

At the moment this is mainly due to the emotional turmoil  that I am going through compiling ‘My Story’  and just doing too much.  I took on mentors to help organise and inspire me but I felt like I was being judged on what I could produce and get out the door. Feelings of failure rose again.

I have had to back off…..take stock and work out what is truly important in my life to me as an individual. My focus now is just to push forward little by little…tiny steps….just making progress a little at a time in all areas of my life. I will get there, it will and does take me longer than some people but I have the tenacity to win :O)

Even now I cannot make head nor tail of some of the things I am expressing as I am writing but I know that I am becoming unburdened as a result of sharing so thank you for being my sounding board.

I ended up being signed off from work for 6 weeks in the end. I was at a complete loss…….I spent my days in hazy fog……I got through the everyday mundane chores.

I still took my son to nursery; it was costing us £650 per month back in 2000 (more than my mortgage. I would take the dog for a 2hour walk through the woods where I had time to think, time to try and make sense of it all. I felt completely and utterly exhausted I remember feeling numb, I slept alot and had no get up and go.

I was so fatigued and stressed that my periods had stopped altogether and I had driven my car accidently into the nursery brick wall and my drive wall. I was just not thinking straight, I underestimated the distance of my car to the walls!!

At first work was paying me full pay but when I told them I was being signed off from stress they said that they could not pay me full pay only statutory pay because the company could not afford it and what message would then send to the rest of the staff. I gto told that they would all be doing it!!

When my pay was drastically reduced, my hubby worried over how we were going to pay the mortgage…..at the time he did not really understand what was happening to me and all he kept on saying is how are we going to afford the mortgage and if I am at home all day why is our son at nursery? It made no odds if Ben was nursery or not we would still of had to pay the £650 fees!

I felt really low…work has treated me appallingly and not I felt really unsupported at home. I decided that I could do nothing about these two things whilst I felt like I did. I took the time I had off to get well, to have some reflection on what I had, what had gone wrong and what I needed to change to get my life back on track.

My Director thought I was putting it on and sent me to see the main Occupational Health man up in London Dr Mason. After I saw Dr. Mason he spoke to my Director and followed this up by letter. He told them in no uncertain terms that what they put me through was unjust, unfair and amounted to discrimination and bullying. After this the company treated me with more respect, however my cards had been marked.

Although the company went through the motions of accommodating me this was just front. I went back after 6 weeks and tried to pick up the pieces but I just could not function properly at100% I became overwhelmed with what they expected me to do and the staff kept on making making snide remarks about me.  I have been moved out of my office into the main room with everyone else…..someone would come up to me and ask my advise or ask me to do something and then say it “but only if you can cope!” or “if it going to make you cry just say I and I will get someone else to do it”.

I spoke to the ‘new’ Financial Controller who they had employed from an agency and he told me that the company that we were working for were ruthless and he told me that he drank copious amounts of alcohol to keep him sane!!

I also found something out that me made me mad……they had only paid me statutory sick because they said the company could not afford full pay. I looked through the payroll and the Directors had all been paid £30-50k bonuses 2 weeks prior to my return!

I told Dr.Mason all of this and he told me I had two options. Take them to a tribunal but don’t expect to work ever again because companies do not like ‘trouble makers’ or find another job. He told me that he would advise the second option because the job had made me ill and that they would not change.

I really could not tolerate working at this company any more….but was in a catch 22 situation…..I did not feel strong enough to go and look for another job and how was I going to get another job anyway? how would I explain away my 6 week absence to any potential employer?

I can honestly say my self esteem had hit an all time low :O(

I knew that the only way out of my predicament was to find another job…..I got offered an interview at The Priory Hayes Grove Psychiatric hospital. Even though I did not feel strong or very hopeful I thought I would have to put myself through some interviews anyway to get another job so it might as well be sooner rather than later! I told my Director that I was looking for other employment and he told me if I went quietly that they would re-imburse my full pay and give me a glowing reference (which I still have to this day!)

I went along to the interview and I felt at home! I hit it off with the panel and I eventually got offered the role of Finance Manager to 4 staff, be responsible for the month end accounts, budgets, forecasts and payroll. I was anxious and apprehensive but deep down I knew that I would be alright :O)

There was one snag…..The Priory wanted me to see an Occupational Health guy a Dr.Mason in London!!! I was really upset I knew I would now lose this job because he would have to disclose why I was leaving my present job. I called Dr.Mason and explained the situation and he told me that he could not lie to the Priory but if they did not actually ask him the question then he did not have to answer it!! I finally had something to look forward to and had some hope for the future.

I handed my notice in at my present company and a new part of my life began :O)