christuckmystory

When you are in your own little bubble of thoughts, feelings, and emotions you don’t know any better. The acts of abuse whether they are physical, mental, sexual or all 3 will chip away @ your self esteem, your self confidence, your self worth until you  believe that it is your fault, that you deserve it, that there is no way out, that this is your life, that you have to put up with it, that the perpetrator is doing it for your own good, that they love you (sometimes) and that this is normal.

My siblings and I got told that we were no good, that we would amount to nothing, that we were ugly, that we were stupid, that we were lazy, that we did not deserve anything, that no-one loved us. This was backed up by doing lots of chores like cleaning the house until it gleamed, going without food, warmth, heat, clothes, being sent to bed practically straight from school whilst other kids played outside, being kicked, thumped & hit.

It’s only when you know that deep down something is not right, that you open your eyes to your world, you start processing what is going on in your world and the world around you. You start comparing the two worlds and you become aware of what is normal and you might start to wish if only you could have some normal.

You start to realise that the world you are in is abnormal, it’s not loving, it’s cruel. you don’t like it but it’s your world, you might even feel comfortable, I mean things could be worse couldn’t they? the outside world could be scarier? the grass is not always greener is it? and if you try and do something in your world, it might rock the boat and cause harm to other people.

But what about you?

What about your right to be loved? to be looked after? to be nurtured? not to be scared of your own shadow? to be fed? your right to make decisions, your right to say No!

You have a right to be FREE of negativity and to live a fantastic and fulfilling life.

So here you are in your own little bubble, your own world……worn out, physically & emotionally drained, dreading the day, dreading the night, there is no respite from the abuse it is relentless, you are hungry, you are miserable. You are aware of the limitations of your current life, you know how normal life can be. Your friends are living it, other members of your household are living it. You want some if it but how do you get it?

You start by taking control, you know that one day you will break free of your bubble, you will have a voice, you will be heard. You need to tell yourself that you do deserve better and you will get it. But you need to have courage, you need to be brave, you need to believe that there are people out there that can help you. One day you will find the courage to stand up for your “Rights”.

You will tell someone, the ball of change will roll and you will be set FREE of your nightmare and your life will begin :O)

My belief in you is greater than your doubt :o)

Have a fab day :O)

How many music bands or actors do you know, that seem to rise to stardom overnight? They don’t they have worked for some time behind the scenes before they become famous.

Change does not happen overnight.  (It might appear that it does but it is a process).

•  First you need to have enough discomfort to want to seek change.
• You need to evaluate your problem.
• You need to research your problem.
• You need to see what others in the same or similar situation to you have done or are doing.
• You need to have a deep rooted why to make the change, because it will help you succeed, it will help you through those dark times, tough times.
• You need to to have an open mind.
• You need to be able to deal with rejection or things not going to plan.
• You need to constantly evaluate and adapt but keep the long term goal in your sights.
• You need to take small positive steps in the right direction to build up your confidence maybe before you even take the jump.
• Ultimately you need to take the step, take action to see your plan through, but as I said this does not happen overnight it needs all the above steps to happen.

I am always seeking solutions to problem I am faced with. This is easy for me now!  I have had so much practise now; I never give up.

I might retreat and rest for a time to get a second wind if the previous thing didn’t work but I always come back with a different approach, a different plan of action.  This is easier if you are really passionate about your cause/your programme, and the big ‘why’ for making the change.

When an animal gets wounded what does it do? It takes itself off to a quiet secluded area either a) to protect itself and get better or b) to die.

Well yesterday I felt like this wounded animal. Writing the book has made me feel vulnerable and overwhelmed. I know this is temporary and I know that at the end of the process I will be happier and stronger because there are many positives outcomes for going public which I will share.

All my siblings are very supportive of me writing the book especially as it is helping me. My sister Diane wrote to me yesterday via text and said the following:

“Don’t give up writing your book that’s how abusers get away with stuff. why let them win? I have not left my inner child ever and the book makes it all real for me now it’s not in my head anymore going around & around. I have so much anger and hatred towards them and it was they’re doing . Reading the book has made me so angry, the past has stopped me living. Reading what you have written has made me realise that it was not my fault and at the same time I am not small anymore, I am not that child. We have suffered enough. It’s time to be the adult that can’t be hurt anymore”

Now this is a massive breakthrough for my sister and I truly am happy about this. In my opinion Di has a long way to go but acknowledging the above is immense for her.

Mick my youngest brother also wrote to me yesterday. I am not going to repeat verbatim because I do not have his permission yet. He said that the story was powerful, there are bits that make the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. He says he feels sad and remembers some of the things that happened differently from me. Mick was 2 when I was 7 when it all started.

Mick said “I’m glad you shared this though, I think for me it helps me understand more,and even though I know we were all there I always hoped I suppose that no one felt like I did or still do”.

Yesterday I was very stressed and emotionally wounded. I then stood up in a room of 30+ people and told them about my story and why I was writing it; at the same time I received the above message from my brother Mick which just tipped me over the edge for that moment in time.

I received lots of cuddles, chats with Ali W and Lynn D and flowers yesterday made me feel supported and perked me up.

Today, this morning, right this minute I feel like me again just after 7 hours kip. Over night I have realised that writing the book and trying to promote it at the same time is not a good idea. Writing about personal moments is exhausting and emotional in itself (this is wounded me) so why did I put myself out in the open to be potentially shot down?

Abit melodramatic but maybe what I should have done is just keep myself to myself whilst I am in the writing process.

Anyway as I said I feel ok again this morning so am off to teach Booty then I have a day full of clients getting them back on track and then am spending a few hours on ‘My Story’.

Have a good day everyone and thank you :O)

I got up at 5.30am and toddled off to another BNI meeting…..this is where you tell a group of people what you do for a living and once you build a relationship with them they refer business to you.

Well this morning I could not do that because I do the same job as two other people already in this chapter so I bit the bullet and stood up and said the following:

I am nearly completing my autobiography.

It is about my struggle through my childhood and teenage years dealing with physical, mental and sexual abuse.

How I am overcoming this and making a success of both my business and personal life. Being a member of BNI is part of this process.

I want to give something back to raise awareness of being a child without a voice and still suffering through adulthood. I have decided to give a donation from each book sale to charities supporting this cause.

With this in mind I would like an introduction to Esther Rantzen of ChildLine to take this forward.

The room went quiet, I sat down and I thought what had I done?? :O(

I checked my phone to check the time because I had to get back to take my daughter to school…..and I saw a PM from my brother Mick.

I had just sent Mick a copy of the story so far and what he wrote back to me was very emotional and traumatic…..I was in tears and quickly turned the phone off to concentrate on what was happening around me.

I am finding it harder and harder to deal with everyday stuff at the moment but am sure it will all come together in the end!

Today I am visiting Dax Moy to start working with him over the next few months for rehab my hip and sort my posture, mobility and movement out for good.

Dax asked me why I was stressed.  I told him that writing my story has been hard and emotional for me.

I am using the opportunity of travelling up to London and back to write about some missing chapter of my book.

• Today I am writing about my dad blanking me and then coming to actively search me out.
• Today I am writing about my dad’s day release from prison.
• Today I am writing about my sexual behaviour patterns runny through families.

I have penned 6 A4 pages in 2 ½ hours, I was so engrossed in what I was doing that I missed my train back to Hayes!  On the way back I was writing about Teresa’s sexual control using chocolate.

When I got back to Hayes I was going to go home but at home there are chores awaiting me. 101 things to do.  I looked across the road and entered; I thought I will order my peppermint tea but out of my mouth came hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows please.  I told the guy it would make me ill but I will have it any way.

So here I am writing this blog post and thinking why am I punishing myself?  A question for my hypnotherapist next week me thinks.  I need to get to the bottom of this.  I don’t need this shit all it is is sugar and it make me feel ill.  I know that this is a coping mechanism of mine.  I am already burping, have a dry mouth feel thirsty!

He gave me some constructive help with the book which I have taken on board and will incorporate.

But it was also cathartic.  It is making me feel free and at peace on one hard but working through the emotions is hard work and unsettling.  Part of me thinks who will want to read my story but I know deep down that it will help many people and the 1^st person is ME!

I now feel that I am at a turning point with the book it will be finished in 6 weeks end of Nov 2012 and then I am self publishing.

I know that there is an end to my emotional turmoil.  At the moment I am stressed and tired but I am in control and I will get through this period in my life.

Part of my anxiety is that Phil my hubby still does not know I am writing this, but I feel so strongly that my story needs to be told, as strongly as I need to breathe to stay alive!

I am sitting here feeling really empowered, surrounded by people chatting and laughing.  I feel like I am sitting on something huge.

I feel really upset that so many lives have been ruined.

Am now crying……..

Sorry I need to stop, pick up my daughter from school and give her a hug.

With Jimmy Saville being in the news for the last 2 weeks I feel even more strongly that  people need to find a voice and speak out.

Responsible adults need to listen to young vulnerable kids and protect them.

Adults need to speak out about their childhood stuff and get the help they need and deserve!

Good evening all,

I am just writing a quick blog today just to keep you all in the loop! I have just returned from camber Sands where I have been attending a fitness weekender.

There are classes on every hour…….spin, dance, pilates, toning, boxing etc etc. When I went to my first one Sally & I did a class every hour and could not walk for a good few days afterwards!

This weekend I only attempted 5 sessions, 2 of these were stretch, 1 was pilates, 1 circuits & 1 abs! It was more important to me to rest and catch up with my sleep which I did successfully!!

I also attempted to write some more of my story – which I managed a little.

At the moment I am trying to build my business and I cannot seem to do this and write my story without getting emotional. The emotions and feelings that I am facing are de-stabalising me and I am finding that I am questioning some of the decisions that I have made business wise and I am feeling overwhelmed and not good enough for what I am about to embark on :o(

I am sincerely hoping that this is temporary!! When I spend time writing the book I feel drained and unsettled for a little while.

I have spoken to Karen Laing who is helping me put ‘My Story’ together and we have decided that we are going to spend another 6 weeks on the book getting it to where we want it to be and then we are going to launch it :O)

So the end is in sight.

The feedback I have had so far is below:

“Just read my sister’s book that she going to publish…. its about our lives as youngster growing up from her point of view… it made me cry . Painful memories of 4 adults who let us down and brought hurt and torment in our lives. I take my hat off to her for what she doing”.

“I’ve just read what you sent me you some missing stuff that I remember and can add . This has made me cry tonight and my little Alex is saying don’t cry dad and rubbing my face. This makes me more determined to be a better person and father/husband and brother to my love ones.xxxxxx Dave Hallett

” I stayed up to 2am this morning reading your book. I was gripped it was really sad! But also inspiring. It has made me question how I talk to my children, it has made me think about my own upbringing and how my actions now have been affected by my parents.” Frances Malekos

“My overall feelings are I feel very moved by what I have read, even though you have told me quite a lot of things already. I also felt a great anger for all of you given the relentlessness of it all” Tanya Caffrey

So far I have managed to make people cry and be upset…..this is not what I wanted. I want to make people feel inspired to make a change, I want people to speak out, I want people to get help like I have if they need it! So this is what I need to work on!!

So some days I need to keep sane and just focus purely on business so I don’t end up procrastinating and making bad decisions, some days I just need to rest to recover from the turmoil of my feelings being unleashed from writing ‘My Story’ and my hypnotherapy. I need to just balance my life so that I can get through the next few weeks in one piece.

I am not going to lie it is getting harder and harder. I am investing alot of time and money and ME in getting this story out to you. I feel it is important for me, for my family and for those who are struggling on a day to day basis.

Please bear with me for the next 6 weeks and feel free to comment on my blogs :O)

Chris xx