Tanya my Hypnotherapist asked me:
“Why do you want to put your story out there in the public arena? Why do you want to share your thoughts and feelings?”
“Why not just write your story for you, rip it up and then burn it!” Why does it have to be public?? why is this so important to you?”
At first I thought it was away of me releasing my emotions, my feelings, it was a way for me to express myself and in doing so help other people.
But then other thoughts started to pop into my head…….
- I want to be heard
- I want someone anyone to recognise what I had suffered and say sorry
- I want a voice
- I want other people to speak up for themselves before their circumstances ruin their lives
- I want acknowledgement that the things my family have been through actually happened; not brushed under the carpet; not another statistic.
Too many people sit on things that they have experienced it causes them stress, turmoil relationship breakups, low self esteem, low self worth.
Over the years I have read 1000’s of real life stories of physical violence, mental abuse and sexual abuse. I have read 100’s of bookon the same topic; trying to get answers to my own experiences.
Some of these people have kept quiet well into their adulthood before they had to finally tell someone because of the huge emotions and feelings they had.
Some people never tell.
Why is this??? To understand this let’s look at the cycle of abuse as I see and have experienced it……..
CYCLE OF ABUSE
BEFORE THE ABUSE
The Abuser grooms you.
- They are friendly
- They smile at you
- They show interest in you
- They spend time with you
- They make you feel special
- They buy your things you don’t usually have sweets, toys
- They make life fun for you
DURING THE ABUSE
- You are scared
- You are confused
- You pretend it is not happening
- You feel sick
- You feel pain
- You feel dirty
- You want it to be over as quickly as possible
- You are thinking they would not do this; if they did not love me
AFTER THE ABUSE
- “If you tell anyone, I will hurt you!”
- “If you tell no-one will believe you!”
- “If you tell, your mum will be so upset, it will split the family up and you don’t want that do you?”
- “This is our secret” – this makes the abused feel special
- “This is what normal families do”
The Abuser carries on with normal everyday activity and you often think you have dreamt the abuse.
You are confused……
- you trusted the abuser
- you like or even love the abuser
- you don’t want to disappoint the abuser after all they are the only adult who had been kind to you
AFTER LONG TERM ABUSE
- You might wear baggy clothes so you do not draw attention to yourself
- You might pull your bed clothes or clothes up tight around your body, as a comforter
- You might curl up into a ball to make yourself small; again so as to not draw attention to yourself or to protect yourself
- You might feel hurt & betrayal; even hate.
- You might feel special or loved or come to hate and loathe yourself
- You might feel embarrassed and ashamed
- You might keep quiet to keep the peace at home so as to not upset your mum or siblings however keeping quiet, bottling up your feelings and emotions is not healthy and some stage it will come out in some shape or form
- You might think will if I am the main focus – the one being abused – then at least my siblings are protected
AFTER THE ABUSER LEAVES YOUR LIFE
- You might feel unloved and unwanted
- You might stumble through life for years even decades
- You don’t forget what happens
- You might get mixed up with the wrong crowd
- You might take drugs or drink alcohol
- You might eat comfort foods or just food to make yourself fat and ugly
- You might starve yourself to make yourself thin and unattractive or just to just some control back in your life
- You might self harm
- You might find sexual relationships impossible or extremely hard
- You might never trust men or women again
- You might let someone get close and then push them away
- You might not be able to hold a relationship together
- You might have a lot on one night stands
- You know you should go to the police but you might think that they will not believe you especially if you were abused years ago
- You might be too embarrassed to take action
- You might feel like you deserved the abuse?
- You might be suffering from low self esteem and low self worth
All these actions you are doing to yourself to try and blot out or desperately hope that your actions will fill the feeling of emptiness inside of you. Believe me when I tell you…..the only way to fill this endless emptiness is to bring your ABUSER to justice.
You have been a victim for far too long….your life is tatters, you cannot take any more; it’s finally time to tell someone.
You will feel fear and feel sick to the pit of your stomach
You will feel anxious what if no-one believes you?
You will need strength and courage
Try and diarise times dates and what happened to help support your abuse.
It’s time to NAME & SHAME……it’s time to get you some justice!
You have carried a terrible secret for far too long and now is the time to get your life back; its time to take proper control of your life; it’s time to stick up for yourself; it’s time to find YOUR VOICE.
If your loved ones don’t believe you or disown you there are plenty of organisations out there ready and willing to help you. But the first port of call is to call 999.
Speak up today to:
1) Save your sanity & your health
2) To stop your ABUSER doing what they did to you to someone else! – SAVE THEIR LIFE :O)
People who speak up often wish they had done so sooner.
People who have spoken out may get some closure but they often need therapy to deal with their emotions and feelings surrounding the actual abuse & also how the abuse has actually affected them as a person; living their everyday life.
Often abused people will have relationship problems, have a certain attitude towards sex, cannot shoe affection easily, will suffer mental or physical problems.
In my humble and personal opinion I think there is more at stake when you keep quiet.
You need to have a voice; you need to be heard.
Speaking up is empowering.
When are you going to be brave enough to speak up and change your life?
Again…..thank you for reading and please pass this blog along to someone who might find it useful.