On tuesday I wrote a blog on how I was treated in my role as Financial controller for a company back in 2000.
This was a time in my life when I should have been happy because I had everything that I had set out to have.
- a husband – being happily married
- a house – a roof over my head
- a baby to love
- Status in my career – Financial Controller
- Money in the bank
It was a strain trying to hold it all together, trying to be perfect, trying to be wonder woman. My health suffered; I had a meltdown. All of which i have already detailed in my previous blog.
Writing about this particular episode in my life bought up emotions that I still carried with me.
Anger, disappointment, hurt and betrayal
Tanya the hypnotherapist, felt that my childhood events were still too deeply buried and painful to deal with so she suggested we worked on dealing with the emotions I still felt surrounding this particular episode of my life.
Tanya tried to get me to relax enough to visualise a punching bag inside a boxing ring. She asked me to picture the faces of the people that I had felt had caused me a problem. She asked me to start prodding the punch bag and start to tell person on the punch bag exactly what I was feeling.
So I did. The idea was to punch the bag as hard as you need to as you tell the person exactly what you think.
Unfortunately the punch bag with the face on did not really work for me. i kept on seeing the persons faces and me actually pummelling the persons face.
Before you start thinking OMG Chris is really violent let me explain something to you!
Bullying at School
I was bullied but 4 people over a 6 month period. They followed me from the bus stop in Crystal Palace to our school in Bromley and back again. They would taunt me school if they had the chance but I was in different sets to them so this was rare; my true friends stuck up for me. The bullies were Asian, black and white.
The bullies called me names, threw stones at me whilst following me down the road to and from school. they sat behind me on the bus, pulled my hair, jabbed me in the back continuously. I was often in tears but did not show them.
They were menacing and threatening I was constantly watching my back.
I met and started going out with Phil my husband in 1984 when we were 14. Been married 17 years today (together 27 years). The Asian girl thought that she should be going out with Phil and not me; she told me so!
Phil has welsh ancestry in him which gives him a darker colouring. The Asian girl told me that he was her ‘kind’ and not mine and that I had no right in going out with him.
So most of the bullying was to undermine me in Phil’s eyes and cause me misery in the process.
I told the school and my mum that i was being bullied but nothing was said or done about it. I told Phil what the Asian girl has said to me and he laughed and told me not to worry. I must admit at the time I did feel threatened; I felt like Phil would leave me for someone else because of my baggage and being poorer than most of friends.
Anyway to cut a long story short (is there such a thing??) we were on the 227 bus one day travelling to school from Crystal Palace when I saw red and lost it.
I was sitting on the 2nd to last seat on the 227 on the right hand side with my friend Michelle. Phil was sitting in the same seat with his mate Dave but on the left side of the bus; across the aisle.
The Asian girl and her cronies got on and sat behind us on the last seat that went right across the back of the bus. Immediately they started taunting me and pulling my hair in front of Phil…….this was a first.
My inner voice was saying to me:
- ‘how much longer are you going to put up with this?’
- ‘she is showing you up in front of your boyfriend’
- ‘you are weak!’
- ‘why don’t you stick up for yourself?’
I felt my mind go blank, I felt myself stand up, turn around to face the Indian girl and asked her to stop…….she laughed in my face and one of her cronies pushed me. I got hold of the Asian girl, pushed her down onto the back seat and I started to slam my fists into her face.
Pummel after pummel; I was shouting and screaming at her.
I cannot remember was I was saying but I do remember a huge sense of relief wash over me.
I was sticking up for myself! but not just for the bullying, for EVERYTHING! that i had suffered before hand. The mental, the physical and the sexual abuse. Unfortunately this girl was getting the lot!
I finally heard someone scream she is going to kill her. I came to my senses…..I was breathing really hard…..I asked her if she was sorry……and she said yes. I asked her if she would stop bullying me and she agreed (it did not end there!)
Once she agreed I let her up. I was shaking all over; adrenaline was coursing through my body! I felt fantastic on one hand but disgusted with myself on another.
After this frenzied attack of mine, people at school came up to me and patted me on the back. They gave me respect and this made me uncomfortable, I was centre of attention.
I did not like the thought of being a violent person it went against everything that I believed in because of my past. I had been through too much myself and I did not want to be a violent person; this was not me.
I have only just come to terms with this violent episode. I know I was seriously provoked over a long period of time and that they deserved what they got, but I was very scared…..I now knew what I was capable of and that I needed to control it.
So going back to the Hypnotherapy session it was easier for me to see me pummelling actual faces rather than a face stuck on a punch bag…..I can connect the emotions of my bullying episode and how I felt when I pummelled the Asian girl’s face.
I told Tanya about my turmoil and she asked me to visualise the person standing next to the punch bag and rather than pummel their faces physically to start to punch bag as hard as I could.
Now I could not feel or see me punching the punch bag but I did see the punch bag swinging to and fro faster and faster which showed that I was doing it.
After doing this particular exercise I felt very fatigued but calm. More at peace with myself. I went home and slept for 3 hours in the afternoon before my evening classes.
Today as I am typing this up I can honestly say that the memory is softer then what it was……I am not angry when I recall it :O)
Thank you for reading……any comments please leave below :O)
I feel sad for the 14 year Chris who had to be pushed to become what she did not feel comfortable with. Very moving and heart touching. I hate bullies and what they do to people. shame on them. . tears are welling up in me.