Yesterday I had two party invites one 50th and one 40th to go to. I was really looking forward to going to spend some time with Hazel and her family. I coached clients until 2pm and then meet my brothers at my nan’s house.
I have not seen my nan since I was a kid…and the last memory of her was not a pleasant one. I remember wanting a cup of tea and my nan shouting at me saying no you cant have one and telling me off. I don’t know why I remember this person my nan (my real dads mum) in a negative light but I did.
Anyway here I find myself 35 years down the line sitting outside my nan’s house with some trepidation…..not really feeling anything just keeping an open mind. I bought my daughter Charley with me in order to keep me calm and not get angry.
My brother Dave had already told me that my nan was a nice funny old lady but I just remember her telling me off and not liking her.
Anyway I went in and she was really pleased to see me…..she said her Xmases had all come at once? I looked at her expecting something else that she wasn’t. I was expecting the stern grumpy lady that I remembered. But she was funny and down to earth not what I was expecting…..this really threw me :O(.
She asked me where had all my hair gone? I used to have frizzy unmanageable hair! She said that she would never of recognised me in the street because I look so different today.
She showed us (Dave, Angela & I) pictures of my dad. One with his hair and beard which we instantly recognised because that is how we last remembered him. One without a beard and his hair short…I would not have recognised him in the street. He was the spitting image of my grandad (his dad) in this photo.
My brother Dave said omg I look like him in this picture and yes he does! Dave said he often wondered who he looked like and now he knows my dad without a beard and short hair!
It was pretty surreal sitting on my nan’s sofa after 35 years and having a normal conversation about my dad, his sister, my aunt’s cousins etc. My nan was completely oblivious to what my dad, his sister and Vi had put us through. She is aware that things went on but not what went on. Hearing her say my Georgie and my Teresa was surreal. How she knows them and remembers them is not how we remember them!!
I am in a daze still…..I have my child hat on remembering the harm that these adults have caused us and then my adult hat on thinking how can all this appear so normal, as if it didn’t happen. How can other family members not know what went on…..how can they carry on a relationship with these abusers? It’s so confusing.
From what I saw of my nan on saturday I know I am going to like her. She reminds me of Nan Hallett funny and jovial. I just need to get over my feelings I still hold of her as a child.
After I left my nan’s with Charley I got a phone call from my hubby telling me my son had been robbed of his phone on the train. I had to stop thinking of the past and get on and deal with the hear and now. I have had to do this many times over the last 3-6 months, switch my brain from one emotion to another, from one era to another and I think it is finally catching up with me. I am exhausted.
We contacted the police and the insurance company about my son’s phone and then got ready to go to the party. Even though I had been looking forward to going out I was now exhausted and my hip was starting to play up.
I went to Hazel’s party but started to get stressed with myself, the music was too loud and I could feel my mood sliding. I was getting grumpy all I wanted to do was sleep. The afternoon with my nan was going through me head, I was trying to enjoy myself but I couldn’t. I tried but when 10pm came I admitted defeat and told Hazel I needed to go home….I could not pretend that everything was ok for any longer…..I just needed to lay down and sleep. That is what I did until 8am sunday morning. I then got up went downstairs laid on the sofa and went to sleep again until 11.30am and then I dozed on and off all day.
I had planned to get lots of work done yesterday including this blog but I was not able to. I just felt physically and emotionally tired.
Today I was up at 5.30am and raring to go. I have taught one booty already today, done my banking and now writing this blog. I am spending the day getting ready for KSFL launching on weds and teaching 3 classes tonight :O)
So for now I am back in the driving seat but I am very aware that I am sitting on the edge and need to pace myself over the next few weeks.
Thank you for reading and have a great day!