christuckmystory

Yesterday I had two party invites one 50th and one 40th to go to. I was really looking forward to going to spend some time with Hazel and her family. I coached clients until 2pm and then meet my brothers at my nan’s house.

I have not seen my nan since I was a kid…and the last memory of her was not a pleasant one. I remember wanting a cup of tea and my nan shouting at me saying no you cant have one and telling me off. I don’t know why I remember this person my nan (my real dads mum) in a negative light but I did.

Anyway here I find myself 35 years down the line sitting outside my nan’s house with some trepidation…..not really feeling anything just keeping an open mind. I bought my daughter Charley with me in order to keep me calm and not get angry.

My brother Dave had already told me that my nan was a nice funny old lady but I just remember her telling me off and not liking her.

Anyway I went in and she was really pleased to see me…..she said her Xmases had all come at once? I looked at her expecting something else that she wasn’t. I was expecting the stern grumpy lady that I remembered. But she was funny and down to earth not what I was expecting…..this really threw me :O(.

She asked me where had all my hair gone? I used to have frizzy unmanageable hair! She said that she would never of recognised me in the street because I look so different today.

She showed us (Dave, Angela & I) pictures of my dad. One with his hair and beard which we instantly recognised because that is how we last remembered him. One without a beard and his hair short…I would not have recognised him in the street.  He was the spitting image of my grandad (his dad) in this photo.

My brother Dave said omg I look like him in this picture and yes he does! Dave said he often wondered who he looked like and now he knows my dad without a beard and short hair!

It was pretty surreal sitting on my nan’s sofa after 35 years and having a normal conversation about my dad, his sister, my aunt’s cousins etc. My nan was completely oblivious to what my dad, his sister and Vi had put us through. She is aware that things went on but not what went on. Hearing her say my Georgie and my Teresa was surreal. How she knows them and remembers them is not how we remember them!!

I am in a daze still…..I have my child hat on remembering the harm that these adults have caused us and then my adult hat on thinking how can all this appear so normal, as if it didn’t happen. How can other family members not know what went on…..how can they carry on a relationship with these abusers? It’s so confusing.

From what I saw of my nan on saturday I know I am going to like her. She reminds me of Nan Hallett funny and jovial. I just need to get over my feelings I still hold of her as a child.

After I left my nan’s with Charley I got a phone call from my hubby telling me my son had been robbed of his phone on the train. I had to stop thinking of the past and get on and deal with the hear and now. I have had to do this many times over the last 3-6 months, switch my brain from one emotion to another, from one era to another and I think it is finally catching up with me. I am exhausted.

We contacted the police and the insurance company about my son’s phone and then got ready to go to the party. Even though I had been looking forward to going out I was now exhausted and my hip was starting to play up.

I went to Hazel’s party but started to get stressed with myself, the music was too loud and I could feel my mood sliding. I was getting grumpy all I wanted to do was sleep. The afternoon with my nan was going through me head, I was trying to enjoy myself but I couldn’t. I tried but when 10pm came I admitted defeat and told Hazel I needed to go home….I could not pretend that everything was ok for any longer…..I just needed to lay down and sleep. That is what I did until 8am sunday morning. I then got up went downstairs laid on the sofa and went to sleep again until 11.30am and then I dozed on and off all day.

I had planned to get lots of work done yesterday including this blog but I was not able to. I just felt physically and emotionally tired.

Today I was up at 5.30am and raring to go. I have taught one booty already today, done my banking and now writing this blog. I am spending the day getting ready for KSFL launching on weds and teaching 3 classes tonight :O)

So for now I am back in the driving seat but I am very aware that I am sitting on the edge and need to pace myself over the next few weeks.

Thank you for reading and have a great day!

Chris x

Last night I was meant to be relaxing but I cannot seem to settle. I am like a cat jigging about on a hot tin roof……waiting for Karen to finish my book. Karen and I have agreed a deadline and I am trying to switch off from thinking about it but I cannot help it.

I do not want or wish to put Karen under any stress; I know she is finding it hard to edit the book. It has changed direction a few times since we set out to write it!

Karen texted me yesterday to tell me she was in tears yet again. Sorry Karen :O)

Anyway last night Children In Need was on and this bought the book right into the fore again…….like numerous times before I started to think about what I was going to call the book. I spent hours thinking of names and typing them into facebook to get feedback on them…….I was coming up with some good titles but none of them ‘fitted’ the true essence of the book. I was face booking chatting with my siblings, Fit Pro friends and friends of the family.

My sister Zaina texted me ‘Through the eyes of a child’……..bingo!  perfect fits the true essence of the book

My story ‘Through The Eyes Of A Child’ is just that….my story as I experienced it as a child and getting over it, making sense of it all as an adult. This book was not about naming and shaming or revenge or making anyone’s life difficult. It was about me telling people that no matter what has happened to them, they can make changes, they can be successful and have a happier future.

This book is about getting all my thoughts and feelings out there and healing myself, giving myself a voice to be heard. Showing others that they can do the same if they wish. It has bought my siblings and I closer; we understand more about each other now there are no more secrets or shame.

I feel like an inner peace has descended on me and I do not feel like I have to ‘run’ any more and pretend to be someone else. I stand still, stand tall and proud.

Thank you Zaina :O) x

I have been eating clean for over a year now but the last few weeks have been a big struggle for me

Writing my book and finding out that 3 of my siblings tried to commit suicide has unsettled me to the extent where I am emotional eating to feel a void in my stomach

When I was growing up food was severely restricted and sweets well what were those?

Am I sabotaging myself with all of this to make me feel fuller preparing myself for a drought??? something to go wrong??

I know that I am strong enough to get through anything but my behaviour tells me otherwise there is still that little girl inside that needs reassurance that life is going to be ok

I don’t like eating all this sugar it makes me feel ill