Hmmmmm sorry I have not posted for a over a week, I have had to get my head down and focus on my business and my family.
My last hypnotherapy session was two weeks ago and I blogged about finally finding my voice and speaking out when you suffer abuse whether it be physical, mental or sexual abuse; rather than keeping quiet and suffering.
That particular blog post was hard for me to write but I found a sense of peace afterwards :o)
I had another Hypnotherapy session today and it was very emotional for me. Tanya asked me about several areas of my life and what I wanted to work on first.
One of the areas was for me to stop being the ‘MUM’ figure in my siblings lives because it is putting too much strain on me; I just want a brother and sister relationship with my siblings……..I think but it is going to be hard :O(
When you are a MUM things are just expected of you; you are taken for granted. You will do anything for your kids; you would literally die for your kids.
When you are a sister or brother it’s a different relationship it’s more of an exchange; you do things for each other.
I have felt over the year’s that my role as ‘MUM’ as robbed me of just being a sibling; I feel that I have held everything and everyone together for a long long time and the magnitude of this is overwhelming.
When I was 7 and my mum left us, I immediately picked up the mum role to my brother 8, sister 5 and brother 3. I seemed to grow up overnight; I was always on guard to protect and help 24/7. I believe that this is one of the reasons why I cannot completely relax to this day.
When we lived with Vi and her daughter’s, my dad stood up for her girls and just told us all to get on. That did not happen I felt very let down by my dad and this just re-enforced my role as the protector the ‘MUM’.
When my sister told me about her abuse I was the one that helped her through it. Over the year’s I have helped all my siblings out in way or another and to be truthful I was glad I was able to. Although at times it did get me down; it felt like I had no-one to really turn to. Over the last 6 months I have been able to talk to my sister Hydie on a more personal level and my brother Dave to some extent.
I just think that my relationship role has got confused and the main culprit in this is ME. A few people that I have worked with over the year’s have told me that I need to make the changes but old habits die hard. I hate to see any of my siblings suffer. If they needed money, advise, food, shelter, anything I have been there. However as my family and business has grown and my resources have gotten smaller I have had to be careful with what I do and don’t do for my siblings and this causes me fear.
The feelings and emotions that we had of no food, no shelter, holes in shoes, clothes and being neglected is forever there biting at my ankles. I often wonder why I work so hard and I believe it is to make sure that I always have a spare couple of hundred quid just in case someone is in need of it; this has always been the case in the past.
Recently I got cross with my sister and I told her that I feel like any spare cash that I have from working bloody hard seems to go to her. I don’t know who was more shocked when I said it me or her. Afterwards I felt guilty for saying it because she has not got much but it would not of come out unless I truly felt it……would it?
I still have this overwhelming sense of protection towards my siblings as a mother. On one hand I want to always be there for them but on the other hand its a huge responsibility and I don’t want that either. I am really confused…….They are now all adults and should be able to run their own lives successfully and they do to a large extent but when the SHIT hits the fan I am the one they come running to. I never really hear about the good news so when my phone goes off it is always a problem to be dealt with. This often brings back all the feelings and emotions from the past.
When my mum became ill I was the one that was there. My mum has never been a mum in the true sense of the word and she has not been capable of being a mum since her aneurysms and strokes. Her emotional and caring side are not there. I have this overwhelming need to make sure that everyone is ok even if it is not the right thing for me.
When I had my meltdown my counsellor at the time told me that I needed to take care of myself and not visit my mum or help my siblings so much. She told me that I would become very unwell; if I did not cut the apron strings. I felt very selfish.
Acting the mum role is so instinctive in me that I do it in all areas of my life…….to my own kids (most of the time), to my siblings, to my mum, to my husband, to my clients. I try and fix everything and get very frustrated, disappointed and upset when I cannot achieve this for whatever reason :O(
So this is an area that I will be working on with Tanya to try and find peace with in myself. To try and figure out how I can be there for my siblings without being the mum. I am very confused about what an actual sibling relationship should be like and I cannot wait to develop this.