Post 20 – Chris Tuck ‘My Story’ – “How could you?”

At my recent  Hypnotherapy session with Tanya she asked me if I was ready to work on something deeper…..namely going back into my past as an adult and rescuing me as my younger self from whatever situation presented itself first.

I immediately became emotional because I could not only rescue me it had to be me and my siblings. I could not leave anyone behind.

Tanya knowing me thought that this would be my reaction and needed to know what I wanted to do before the hypnotherapy began.

Tanya got me to relax and asked me to envisage a room one that I have not seen or been before. Immediately a clean square large room presented itself to me, a large brown leather sofa was in the room against the left wall and one  in front of me. This sofa in front of me was opposite french doors which were open onto a large swimming pool. The sun was streaming into the room and bouncing off the blue water in the pool. The breeze was making the curtains move. I sensed myself sitting on the sofa and just chilling looking out onto the pool.

Tanya asked me to visualise all the positive things that I had achieved in my life be in the room with me….all the books I have read, all the course work that I had done, all my course certificates that I had achieved be around me. Anything that re-enforced that fact that I am a successful and happy adult.

I immediately saw a full size skeleton in the left hand corner of the room near the french doors and a bookcase on the right hand side. i told Tanya that this room was my Consultancy room; I did not know which country it was in but it was a safe and calm place for me to be in and that is what she wanted me to achieve.

A safe place where I could go back in time, rescue my younger self and my siblings, tell my  dad and Vi what I thought of them and then bring my younger self and siblings back to my safe place.

Tanya that asked me to float outside my body and travel back to a point in time where I felt I could rescue my younger self. I did this but there was a few clear situations that kept on pooping up in my head. Tanya told me I was just observing…..I was not to go into the scene yet and do anything….it was really weird sensation looking at the different scenes.

1) In the kitchen of 85 Anerley Road where George and my mum were holding down my brother Dave and giving him a hiding with a belt. I was screaming leave him alone……I was really really upset, angry, shaking.

Over the years when I see mum’s overly chastising their kids in public areas (slapping them) or men threatening or hitting their women I have stepped in. I feel the hackles go up on my back, my breathing quickens and I feel myself grow in stature and then I intervene! not always a good thing!!! but it’s the protector in me coming out as adult trying to make amends for the times I failed as small Chris.

I will not allow myself or my hubby to smack my children or allow adults get too over friendly with my children. Again I need

2) I was 7, I was crying for my mum to come back. I had fallen to the ground in the front garden of 4 Jasmine Grove Penge, begging my mum to come back. There was a blue & pink hydrangea underneath the front window of the house, I remember the vivid colours, I remember feeling cold and alone. My dad had already ushered my siblings into the house and he had come back out for me. He picked me up and I was hitting him in the shoulders calling for my mum. He told me to be quiet and that mum had left and was not coming back.

3) In the back room of house in Stanley Road, Bromley. Dad sitting on the sofa, some of Vi’s kids had just got us into trouble with Vi again and we were going to be punished. I ran into the back room to tell Dad about the unfairness of it all. He told me in front of everyone that we all needed to learn to get on, we could not carry on tittle tattling on each other. He said he was not going to listen to us any more…..and he let Vi do what she wanted. Vi’s kids made things up, they told their mum and we were punished, when we told Vi what her kids did she told us not to lie and we were punished. Now here was my Dad, our only safety net telling us that there was now no protection and giving Vi the green light to do what she wanted.

Scene 3 was the scanario that my mind settled on. Tanya told me to float down into the room as the adult Chris which I did. She told me to describe the scene……I told her that I could see my dad clearly and Vi to the side but I could not see anyone else I just sensed that they were there. I could not even see me; because I was me as the young Chris facing my dad…..shaking with anger at what he had just said.

Tanya told me to stand there as the adult Chris and put my arm around the young Chris which I did…..I can still see my arm around the younger Chris’s shoulders. She was so small, so thin, so frail, had frizzy hair; I could not see her face I just felt the solidness of her; the smallness of her. I wanted to protect her and tell her it was all going to be ok.

Tanya asked me to talk to my dad and tell him what I was thinking……at first I found it difficult to speak….and then I told him that I thought he was a weak man, I told him he should be protecting his children, he should not be sticking up for children that were not his. I told him to open his eyes and see what was really going on. He looked sad and resigned.

Tanya then asked me to describe Vi…….she looked like a witch, scraggly hair, lines around her lips from smoking too much, broken stumps for teeth which were nicotine’d and well as her fingers. She was a cruel and viscous woman; even her voice cackled.

She told me to tell her what I thought as the adult Chris. I told Tanya I wanted to punch her like I had Shrutti! Tanya told me that was not a good idea because I was better than her. So as adult Chris I said “How could you?”  She (I was holding onto and squeezing the young Chris’s shoulders) is only small, she is defenceless, how could you do all those horrible things to her? to all of them? You are a disgrace, you are a violent and viscous women. You are no longer going to ill treat them, I am taking them away with me!”

Whilst all this was coming out of my mouth I was sobbing and crying……

Tanya asked me if I was ready to rescue the younger Chris and my siblings and come back to my safe place and I said yes. Tanya told me that Vi and Dad were sad people and that they should be left on their own together.

I then took my sister’s and brothers hands and we floated to my safe room. I saw us as children sitting on the sofa. Tanya asked me to visualise us all as adults sitting on the sofa and I could do that quite easily. My brothers as adults were laughing but my sister as an adult is still deeply affected and this saddens me.

Tanya told me that I had done well to be able to do what I had done. I felt really frazzled afterwards, tired and emotionally drained which is all part of the process.

I was going to come home and get on with some work and maybe have a sleep but  I went out to lunch with my hubby instead. My hubby is having problems at work at the moment and it is not my place to discuss this here however his low mood does affect me and yes I am here for him not trying to fix him(see am learning slowly) but just to listen and offer advise if he wants it.  My hubby does not know that I am on my journey of discovery; again the mother in me wants to protect. My own worst enemy!!!

Anyway I am going on a spa day with my sister next weds so no hypnotherapy session for me for two weeks. On this journey of mine I have realised that my family need more of my time and I need down time; especially to process all the emotional turmoil. With this is mind these posts will only happen when I have something to say…..so please be patient and keep on checking in.

Thank you for reading.

Chris x

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One Response to Post 20 – Chris Tuck ‘My Story’ – “How could you?”

  1. Nikki S says:

    Big hugs and huge admiration for you as always Chris, am always here if you need anything. X Nikki

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