christuckmystory

Invariably people that are in or have been in an abusive situation – physical, mental, emotional or sexual abuse suffer from low self esteem or self worth.

Constantly being put down in a negative way verbally and/or physically makes you start to think, feel and live the names that you have been labelled with.

You may even think that Jo public look at you the same way in which your abuser has labelled you? stupid, fat, ugly, fit for nothing, unloveable further damaging any self esteem or self worth that you may of had.

You may even feel to this day that you cannot speak out because of the repercussions of doing so?

Well we just want to re-iterate that you can speak out…..you can talk to us and the other people in our “Breaking The Cycle”  group to discuss anything that you need to. We will help advise and support you to the best of our abilities and we will not divulge your information to anyone at all…..this is our promise to you.

The first step for you to gain control over your life is to be able to speak out when you are ready in a safe caring and trusting environment.

If you know anyone that could benefit from being in this group please get them to pm me :O) or email me @ ctsfitness@hotmail.co.uk

There has been a huge breakthrough for me this week :0)

I have finally worked out in my head how I can best serve people in similar situations to mine.

The last 12 months have been an emotional, mental and physical rollercoaster for mevas I have outlined in my blog on many occassions :0)

Writing the book and dealing with all the emotions that have re-surfaced has been both extremely painful but at the same time cathartic.

At times I have felt very alone on my journey, I have felt that no one else truly.understands where I am.coming from and this got me thinking….I would loved to of had a group where I could have sought some support and with this in mind have set up a private facebook group called “The Survival School”.

This group is for people that are going through or have been through similar situations of physical mental or emotional abuse.

The Survival School will be a safe place where you can offload, share experiences and get support.

You will not be judged or told what to do however it is also not a place where you can just whinge, whine and be negative.

You will be supported and encouraged to take positive steps when you are ready.

This is a brand new group dedicated to take you from survivor to thriver.

Even at your darkest depths there are things that you can do for yourself that will give you back some control and move you forwards in your journey to reclaiming your life and happiness.

If you would like to join my group “The Survival School” please send me a request, I would love to hear from you and support you :0)

Hi everyone,

I have not forgotten about the book….it is still moving forward :o) With Christmas and the New Year everything seemed to shut down and to save my own sanity of wanting to get my book out there, I needed to forget about it for a few weeks.

Karen is just finishing off the book. I am then getting some photos added to it, passing a copy to each of my siblings to make sure that they are happy with what has been written and then it will be published. I am waiting to hear back from one publisher if that does not bear fruit, I am going to self publish and sell it from this site.

Am looking towards the end of February so that I can push my story forward. I am looking to inspire many many people to change their life and raise funds for children’s charities at the same time.

I just wanted to keep you abreast to what is happening :O)

Thank you x

Yesterday I had two party invites one 50th and one 40th to go to. I was really looking forward to going to spend some time with Hazel and her family. I coached clients until 2pm and then meet my brothers at my nan’s house.

I have not seen my nan since I was a kid…and the last memory of her was not a pleasant one. I remember wanting a cup of tea and my nan shouting at me saying no you cant have one and telling me off. I don’t know why I remember this person my nan (my real dads mum) in a negative light but I did.

Anyway here I find myself 35 years down the line sitting outside my nan’s house with some trepidation…..not really feeling anything just keeping an open mind. I bought my daughter Charley with me in order to keep me calm and not get angry.

My brother Dave had already told me that my nan was a nice funny old lady but I just remember her telling me off and not liking her.

Anyway I went in and she was really pleased to see me…..she said her Xmases had all come at once? I looked at her expecting something else that she wasn’t. I was expecting the stern grumpy lady that I remembered. But she was funny and down to earth not what I was expecting…..this really threw me :O(.

She asked me where had all my hair gone? I used to have frizzy unmanageable hair! She said that she would never of recognised me in the street because I look so different today.

She showed us (Dave, Angela & I) pictures of my dad. One with his hair and beard which we instantly recognised because that is how we last remembered him. One without a beard and his hair short…I would not have recognised him in the street.  He was the spitting image of my grandad (his dad) in this photo.

My brother Dave said omg I look like him in this picture and yes he does! Dave said he often wondered who he looked like and now he knows my dad without a beard and short hair!

It was pretty surreal sitting on my nan’s sofa after 35 years and having a normal conversation about my dad, his sister, my aunt’s cousins etc. My nan was completely oblivious to what my dad, his sister and Vi had put us through. She is aware that things went on but not what went on. Hearing her say my Georgie and my Teresa was surreal. How she knows them and remembers them is not how we remember them!!

I am in a daze still…..I have my child hat on remembering the harm that these adults have caused us and then my adult hat on thinking how can all this appear so normal, as if it didn’t happen. How can other family members not know what went on…..how can they carry on a relationship with these abusers? It’s so confusing.

From what I saw of my nan on saturday I know I am going to like her. She reminds me of Nan Hallett funny and jovial. I just need to get over my feelings I still hold of her as a child.

After I left my nan’s with Charley I got a phone call from my hubby telling me my son had been robbed of his phone on the train. I had to stop thinking of the past and get on and deal with the hear and now. I have had to do this many times over the last 3-6 months, switch my brain from one emotion to another, from one era to another and I think it is finally catching up with me. I am exhausted.

We contacted the police and the insurance company about my son’s phone and then got ready to go to the party. Even though I had been looking forward to going out I was now exhausted and my hip was starting to play up.

I went to Hazel’s party but started to get stressed with myself, the music was too loud and I could feel my mood sliding. I was getting grumpy all I wanted to do was sleep. The afternoon with my nan was going through me head, I was trying to enjoy myself but I couldn’t. I tried but when 10pm came I admitted defeat and told Hazel I needed to go home….I could not pretend that everything was ok for any longer…..I just needed to lay down and sleep. That is what I did until 8am sunday morning. I then got up went downstairs laid on the sofa and went to sleep again until 11.30am and then I dozed on and off all day.

I had planned to get lots of work done yesterday including this blog but I was not able to. I just felt physically and emotionally tired.

Today I was up at 5.30am and raring to go. I have taught one booty already today, done my banking and now writing this blog. I am spending the day getting ready for KSFL launching on weds and teaching 3 classes tonight :O)

So for now I am back in the driving seat but I am very aware that I am sitting on the edge and need to pace myself over the next few weeks.

Thank you for reading and have a great day!

Chris x

Last night I was meant to be relaxing but I cannot seem to settle. I am like a cat jigging about on a hot tin roof……waiting for Karen to finish my book. Karen and I have agreed a deadline and I am trying to switch off from thinking about it but I cannot help it.

I do not want or wish to put Karen under any stress; I know she is finding it hard to edit the book. It has changed direction a few times since we set out to write it!

Karen texted me yesterday to tell me she was in tears yet again. Sorry Karen :O)

Anyway last night Children In Need was on and this bought the book right into the fore again…….like numerous times before I started to think about what I was going to call the book. I spent hours thinking of names and typing them into facebook to get feedback on them…….I was coming up with some good titles but none of them ‘fitted’ the true essence of the book. I was face booking chatting with my siblings, Fit Pro friends and friends of the family.

My sister Zaina texted me ‘Through the eyes of a child’……..bingo!  perfect fits the true essence of the book

My story ‘Through The Eyes Of A Child’ is just that….my story as I experienced it as a child and getting over it, making sense of it all as an adult. This book was not about naming and shaming or revenge or making anyone’s life difficult. It was about me telling people that no matter what has happened to them, they can make changes, they can be successful and have a happier future.

This book is about getting all my thoughts and feelings out there and healing myself, giving myself a voice to be heard. Showing others that they can do the same if they wish. It has bought my siblings and I closer; we understand more about each other now there are no more secrets or shame.

I feel like an inner peace has descended on me and I do not feel like I have to ‘run’ any more and pretend to be someone else. I stand still, stand tall and proud.

Thank you Zaina :O) x

I have been eating clean for over a year now but the last few weeks have been a big struggle for me

Writing my book and finding out that 3 of my siblings tried to commit suicide has unsettled me to the extent where I am emotional eating to feel a void in my stomach

When I was growing up food was severely restricted and sweets well what were those?

Am I sabotaging myself with all of this to make me feel fuller preparing myself for a drought??? something to go wrong??

I know that I am strong enough to get through anything but my behaviour tells me otherwise there is still that little girl inside that needs reassurance that life is going to be ok

I don’t like eating all this sugar it makes me feel ill

When you are in your own little bubble of thoughts, feelings, and emotions you don’t know any better. The acts of abuse whether they are physical, mental, sexual or all 3 will chip away @ your self esteem, your self confidence, your self worth until you  believe that it is your fault, that you deserve it, that there is no way out, that this is your life, that you have to put up with it, that the perpetrator is doing it for your own good, that they love you (sometimes) and that this is normal.

My siblings and I got told that we were no good, that we would amount to nothing, that we were ugly, that we were stupid, that we were lazy, that we did not deserve anything, that no-one loved us. This was backed up by doing lots of chores like cleaning the house until it gleamed, going without food, warmth, heat, clothes, being sent to bed practically straight from school whilst other kids played outside, being kicked, thumped & hit.

It’s only when you know that deep down something is not right, that you open your eyes to your world, you start processing what is going on in your world and the world around you. You start comparing the two worlds and you become aware of what is normal and you might start to wish if only you could have some normal.

You start to realise that the world you are in is abnormal, it’s not loving, it’s cruel. you don’t like it but it’s your world, you might even feel comfortable, I mean things could be worse couldn’t they? the outside world could be scarier? the grass is not always greener is it? and if you try and do something in your world, it might rock the boat and cause harm to other people.

But what about you?

What about your right to be loved? to be looked after? to be nurtured? not to be scared of your own shadow? to be fed? your right to make decisions, your right to say No!

You have a right to be FREE of negativity and to live a fantastic and fulfilling life.

So here you are in your own little bubble, your own world……worn out, physically & emotionally drained, dreading the day, dreading the night, there is no respite from the abuse it is relentless, you are hungry, you are miserable. You are aware of the limitations of your current life, you know how normal life can be. Your friends are living it, other members of your household are living it. You want some if it but how do you get it?

You start by taking control, you know that one day you will break free of your bubble, you will have a voice, you will be heard. You need to tell yourself that you do deserve better and you will get it. But you need to have courage, you need to be brave, you need to believe that there are people out there that can help you. One day you will find the courage to stand up for your “Rights”.

You will tell someone, the ball of change will roll and you will be set FREE of your nightmare and your life will begin :O)

My belief in you is greater than your doubt :o)

Have a fab day :O)

How many music bands or actors do you know, that seem to rise to stardom overnight? They don’t they have worked for some time behind the scenes before they become famous.

Change does not happen overnight.  (It might appear that it does but it is a process).

•  First you need to have enough discomfort to want to seek change.
• You need to evaluate your problem.
• You need to research your problem.
• You need to see what others in the same or similar situation to you have done or are doing.
• You need to have a deep rooted why to make the change, because it will help you succeed, it will help you through those dark times, tough times.
• You need to to have an open mind.
• You need to be able to deal with rejection or things not going to plan.
• You need to constantly evaluate and adapt but keep the long term goal in your sights.
• You need to take small positive steps in the right direction to build up your confidence maybe before you even take the jump.
• Ultimately you need to take the step, take action to see your plan through, but as I said this does not happen overnight it needs all the above steps to happen.

I am always seeking solutions to problem I am faced with. This is easy for me now!  I have had so much practise now; I never give up.

I might retreat and rest for a time to get a second wind if the previous thing didn’t work but I always come back with a different approach, a different plan of action.  This is easier if you are really passionate about your cause/your programme, and the big ‘why’ for making the change.

When an animal gets wounded what does it do? It takes itself off to a quiet secluded area either a) to protect itself and get better or b) to die.

Well yesterday I felt like this wounded animal. Writing the book has made me feel vulnerable and overwhelmed. I know this is temporary and I know that at the end of the process I will be happier and stronger because there are many positives outcomes for going public which I will share.

All my siblings are very supportive of me writing the book especially as it is helping me. My sister Diane wrote to me yesterday via text and said the following:

“Don’t give up writing your book that’s how abusers get away with stuff. why let them win? I have not left my inner child ever and the book makes it all real for me now it’s not in my head anymore going around & around. I have so much anger and hatred towards them and it was they’re doing . Reading the book has made me so angry, the past has stopped me living. Reading what you have written has made me realise that it was not my fault and at the same time I am not small anymore, I am not that child. We have suffered enough. It’s time to be the adult that can’t be hurt anymore”

Now this is a massive breakthrough for my sister and I truly am happy about this. In my opinion Di has a long way to go but acknowledging the above is immense for her.

Mick my youngest brother also wrote to me yesterday. I am not going to repeat verbatim because I do not have his permission yet. He said that the story was powerful, there are bits that make the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. He says he feels sad and remembers some of the things that happened differently from me. Mick was 2 when I was 7 when it all started.

Mick said “I’m glad you shared this though, I think for me it helps me understand more,and even though I know we were all there I always hoped I suppose that no one felt like I did or still do”.

Yesterday I was very stressed and emotionally wounded. I then stood up in a room of 30+ people and told them about my story and why I was writing it; at the same time I received the above message from my brother Mick which just tipped me over the edge for that moment in time.

I received lots of cuddles, chats with Ali W and Lynn D and flowers yesterday made me feel supported and perked me up.

Today, this morning, right this minute I feel like me again just after 7 hours kip. Over night I have realised that writing the book and trying to promote it at the same time is not a good idea. Writing about personal moments is exhausting and emotional in itself (this is wounded me) so why did I put myself out in the open to be potentially shot down?

Abit melodramatic but maybe what I should have done is just keep myself to myself whilst I am in the writing process.

Anyway as I said I feel ok again this morning so am off to teach Booty then I have a day full of clients getting them back on track and then am spending a few hours on ‘My Story’.

Have a good day everyone and thank you :O)

I got up at 5.30am and toddled off to another BNI meeting…..this is where you tell a group of people what you do for a living and once you build a relationship with them they refer business to you.

Well this morning I could not do that because I do the same job as two other people already in this chapter so I bit the bullet and stood up and said the following:

I am nearly completing my autobiography.

It is about my struggle through my childhood and teenage years dealing with physical, mental and sexual abuse.

How I am overcoming this and making a success of both my business and personal life. Being a member of BNI is part of this process.

I want to give something back to raise awareness of being a child without a voice and still suffering through adulthood. I have decided to give a donation from each book sale to charities supporting this cause.

With this in mind I would like an introduction to Esther Rantzen of ChildLine to take this forward.

The room went quiet, I sat down and I thought what had I done?? :O(

I checked my phone to check the time because I had to get back to take my daughter to school…..and I saw a PM from my brother Mick.

I had just sent Mick a copy of the story so far and what he wrote back to me was very emotional and traumatic…..I was in tears and quickly turned the phone off to concentrate on what was happening around me.

I am finding it harder and harder to deal with everyday stuff at the moment but am sure it will all come together in the end!