Post 16 – Chris Tuck ‘My Story’ What lessons did I learn and looking at taking too much on at any one time.

September 11, 2012

Over the last few year’s, rightly or wrongly….when I hear and read about men and what they achieve compared to women it frustrates and even angers me!

The phrases “If you really want something or you have to do is get on and do it! Don’t procrastinate!” “Stop making excuses; make time!”

Well I have other things and people in my life to consider. When I say I don’t have the time it is not an excuse…..it is the truth.

I do not have the luxury of spending 100% or even 80% on my business like (most of) my male counterparts or female counterparts that do not have the responsibilities that I do.

My time and energy has to be split in many ways:

  • I have children that need feeding and want me to spend time with them
  • I have a house that needs cleaning (abit chaotic at the moment!)
  • I have a dog that needs walking and caring for
  • I have a business that needs building
  • I have a husband who feels neglected…..I call him my 3rd child!
  • I have siblings that see me as their “mum”
  • I have ‘me’ that needs looking after physically and mentally

Many of the really successful men/women in any industry are either on their own or have a partner behind them who is 100% there for them and supportive. The successful person is allowed and encouraged to get on with what they do. They are who they are because they have someone in the background looking after the home, looking after the children & pets.

I am not making excuses, the above is fact.

I have come to realise that I am not superwoman…..it just means that my dreams and aspirations will take alot longer to achieve than I would ideally like. This is a massive realisation for me and one I am still coming to terms with. I want to me doing everything else that everyone else is doing at the rate that they are turning things around but I just am not in a position to :O)

At FEB 2011 & 2012 I made lots of plans on projects that I wanted to complete and I started to feel a failure and became very stressed, especially when I was not able to start or complete things in expected time frames.

At the moment this is mainly due to the emotional turmoil  that I am going through compiling ‘My Story’  and just doing too much.  I took on mentors to help organise and inspire me but I felt like I was being judged on what I could produce and get out the door. Feelings of failure rose again.

I have had to back off…..take stock and work out what is truly important in my life to me as an individual. My focus now is just to push forward little by little…tiny steps….just making progress a little at a time in all areas of my life. I will get there, it will and does take me longer than some people but I have the tenacity to win :O)

Even now I cannot make head nor tail of some of the things I am expressing as I am writing but I know that I am becoming unburdened as a result of sharing so thank you for being my sounding board.


Post 15 – Chris Tuck ‘My Story’ – Mental Health

September 11, 2012

I ended up being signed off from work for 6 weeks in the end. I was at a complete loss…….I spent my days in hazy fog……I got through the everyday mundane chores.

I still took my son to nursery; it was costing us £650 per month back in 2000 (more than my mortgage. I would take the dog for a 2hour walk through the woods where I had time to think, time to try and make sense of it all. I felt completely and utterly exhausted I remember feeling numb, I slept alot and had no get up and go.

I was so fatigued and stressed that my periods had stopped altogether and I had driven my car accidently into the nursery brick wall and my drive wall. I was just not thinking straight, I underestimated the distance of my car to the walls!!

At first work was paying me full pay but when I told them I was being signed off from stress they said that they could not pay me full pay only statutory pay because the company could not afford it and what message would then send to the rest of the staff. I gto told that they would all be doing it!!

When my pay was drastically reduced, my hubby worried over how we were going to pay the mortgage…..at the time he did not really understand what was happening to me and all he kept on saying is how are we going to afford the mortgage and if I am at home all day why is our son at nursery? It made no odds if Ben was nursery or not we would still of had to pay the £650 fees!

I felt really low…work has treated me appallingly and not I felt really unsupported at home. I decided that I could do nothing about these two things whilst I felt like I did. I took the time I had off to get well, to have some reflection on what I had, what had gone wrong and what I needed to change to get my life back on track.

My Director thought I was putting it on and sent me to see the main Occupational Health man up in London Dr Mason. After I saw Dr. Mason he spoke to my Director and followed this up by letter. He told them in no uncertain terms that what they put me through was unjust, unfair and amounted to discrimination and bullying. After this the company treated me with more respect, however my cards had been marked.

Although the company went through the motions of accommodating me this was just front. I went back after 6 weeks and tried to pick up the pieces but I just could not function properly at100% I became overwhelmed with what they expected me to do and the staff kept on making making snide remarks about me.  I have been moved out of my office into the main room with everyone else…..someone would come up to me and ask my advise or ask me to do something and then say it “but only if you can cope!” or “if it going to make you cry just say I and I will get someone else to do it”.

I spoke to the ‘new’ Financial Controller who they had employed from an agency and he told me that the company that we were working for were ruthless and he told me that he drank copious amounts of alcohol to keep him sane!!

I also found something out that me made me mad……they had only paid me statutory sick because they said the company could not afford full pay. I looked through the payroll and the Directors had all been paid £30-50k bonuses 2 weeks prior to my return!

I told Dr.Mason all of this and he told me I had two options. Take them to a tribunal but don’t expect to work ever again because companies do not like ‘trouble makers’ or find another job. He told me that he would advise the second option because the job had made me ill and that they would not change.

I really could not tolerate working at this company any more….but was in a catch 22 situation…..I did not feel strong enough to go and look for another job and how was I going to get another job anyway? how would I explain away my 6 week absence to any potential employer?

I can honestly say my self esteem had hit an all time low :O(

I knew that the only way out of my predicament was to find another job…..I got offered an interview at The Priory Hayes Grove Psychiatric hospital. Even though I did not feel strong or very hopeful I thought I would have to put myself through some interviews anyway to get another job so it might as well be sooner rather than later! I told my Director that I was looking for other employment and he told me if I went quietly that they would re-imburse my full pay and give me a glowing reference (which I still have to this day!)

I went along to the interview and I felt at home! I hit it off with the panel and I eventually got offered the role of Finance Manager to 4 staff, be responsible for the month end accounts, budgets, forecasts and payroll. I was anxious and apprehensive but deep down I knew that I would be alright :O)

There was one snag…..The Priory wanted me to see an Occupational Health guy a Dr.Mason in London!!! I was really upset I knew I would now lose this job because he would have to disclose why I was leaving my present job. I called Dr.Mason and explained the situation and he told me that he could not lie to the Priory but if they did not actually ask him the question then he did not have to answer it!! I finally had something to look forward to and had some hope for the future.

I handed my notice in at my present company and a new part of my life began :O)


Post 14 Chris Tuck ‘My Story’ – Part 1 My trust in men….

September 9, 2012

I am now starting to look forward to putting pen to paper in order to express myself. A place to write down my thoughts and feelings. It’s a very powerful tool and mental release.

As a woman and a business woman I feel that my workload is already more than my male counterpart (there are always exceptions to the rule :O), like my brother Dave).

Now please don’t think I am putting down the males species I am not :O) These are my thoughts, my feelings and I need to express them. I am not carrying a chip on my shoulder just expressing how I feel.

  • I felt my dad let me down, us down; he did not support us with our step family
  • I was abused my a man that I thought liked me
  • I felt my hubby let me down, did not support me when I suffered from a stress breakdown at work
  • I felt like I had to constantly prove myself in the workplace and at home.
  • I feel like that now when I read face book updates about getting on with things – the male fit pro’s seem to have the time to do it but the women fitpro’s who are mum’s seem to struggle to fit it all in :O)

In my 20’s I just wanted a child to love but this conflicted with my need to have a secure roof over my head & money in the bank. Both my husband & I both agreed that we would buy our own home, be married and have some savings before we started for a family.

From the age of 18 to 28 I worked full time and studied in the evenings and at weekend to become qualified. My annual leave was spent in a class room revising for my exams. All my earnings after bills went on my education. There was no spare cash for holidays, there was no time to take any holidays.

When I was 30 in 2000 I felt like I had made it…..

  • I had qualified as a Chartered Management Accountant
  • I had my dream job as  a Financial Controller
  • I was earning £30k and had a good bonus scheme in place
  • I was married (not so happy looking back)
  • I had my son Ben who was 18months old
  • I had my house in West Wickham
  • I had savings in the bank

This is what I had always dreamed of…..so why was I suffering, why was I not truly happy? why was I stressed?

I was in charge of the day to day running of the accounts dept, management of 7 staff, the computer system which would always be crashing, budgeting, forecasting, actuals, P&L & BS. I was also put in charge of implementing a new computer system along with two consultants who expected me to do all the work. It was far to much for 2 people let alone me on my own.

My 18month old son Ben was in daytime nursery from 8am to 6pm…..my job was very demanding. I was working longer and longer hours. I would often arrange for my sister to pick Ben up and look after him til 8pm. I would then drive 6 miles to pick Ben up, drive 6 miles home, spend some time with Ben, sort out the house, get dinner on and get everything ready for the next day.

My hubby being a policeman worked shift work and at this time his job came first and help with Ben and the house was not forthcoming :O(

I felt guilty about not having more time with Ben, I felt bad about not being able to give more time to my job even though I felt I was doing too much anyway! I felt angry at my hubby for not pulling his weight and being more supportive. I was angry and frustrated at myself for not seeming to be able to cope. This is what I wanted, this is what I have strived for.

To add to the mounting stress…..

In this firm CEO, the Finance Director, the Operations Director were all male. At this time they were trying to float the company on AIM and the figures were not stacking up. The Operations Director was putting pressure on me to inflate the figures; I refused. It was morally and ethnically wrong.

The Ops director and the CEO were getting really angry with me and the Finance director basically said that I would not get very far in the company if I did not agree. I told him that if he wanted to go along with their scheme then they he can do the figure work and put his name to it; but I was not doing it.

I had spent 10 long years getting qualified and they wanted me to put my head on the line.

I was in a real quandary…..I didn’t know what to do……do I do as I was told and lose my self worth and potentially be struck off or do I refuse and lose my job.

Well the pressure from work, home and not being with Ben became too much and one day at work……I lost it.

I was sitting in front of my computer……trying to meet a deadline….I had had an argument with my hubby about something probably childcare….I had been given another ultimatum from my Directors. I looked at the spreadsheet I was working on and the numbers starting to jump out from the screen….I started screaming  and crying I thought I was going mad.

Part 2 – Mental Health.


Post 13 Chris Tuck ‘My Story’ – Is What I Am Doing Right?

September 7, 2012

When I first started compiling ‘My Story’ I just wanted to tell my side of it. I wanted to show people what I had been through, how I had coped, and what I had achieved so far in my life.

For all that is still wrong or needs to be changed I am also very proud of what I have achieved and of whom I am.

I used to be ashamed of who I was and the my background.

I felt like I had overcome so many things, I felt like I had come out of a very long dark tunnel and that I was now in a position to show others that no matter what happened in the past that it does not need to dictate your future.

How NAIVE was I???

Compiling ‘My Story’ has thrown up many issues that i have not actually dealt with yet. I honestly thought that I had :O)

It has shown me that I still hold many strong emotions and feelings that are holding me back.

It has shown me that some of my beliefs and the way that I conduct myself is damaging my current relationship. My brother had been through alot of counselling lately…..as a result of finding himself he has made contact with various aunts, uncles, cousins, my real dad’s  mum and even some of our step sister’s.

Now my feelings and thoughts about particular people in my life are still held strong in my heart and head as Chris the 7 year old, Chris the 11 year old, Chris the 15 year old. Although I now understand intellectually that some particular people in my life probably did not understand what their actions were doing to me, my emotional self especially my inner child has not dealt with the the anger & the upset that I and my siblings went through.

All I had done was bury it because it was in the past and harping on over your past is not going to help you today and in the future is it??

My brother has talked to me about making contact with them but I feel really let down by all and sundry. We wanted and waited for someone, anyone to come and help us and no-one came. I don’t want to get hurt again so why would I put myself a place where this would happen again?

Again as I am typing up my notes I am now thinking is this Chris the adult talking or Chris the small frightened child?

Dave told me that things that we experienced in the past and what we remember in our heads is not the whole story. For example our aunt did not know the full extent of what was happening to us.

My step-sisters (most of them) in my mind were unnesscarily cruel to us and I go into more detail in the book from my point of view you will see why. But again my brother told me that he has spoken to some of my step-sisters and their lives have not been happy either.

Now as I compile ‘My Story’ I am confused yet again……

  • Do I write about my step-sisters?
  • Do I leave the past in the past?
  • Does the truth really need to come out?
  • Will I hurt alot of people by telling the truth as I experienced it?
  • Will I cause alot of upset and anger?

I truly believe that what I am trying to achieve with ‘My Story’ is to show others my journey from a cruel negative environment to a positive and fulfilling one. I have not sensationalised anything…..I have been 100% truthful and factual. I have experienced everything that I have written about. I have or am overcoming emotions and feelings that are keeping me in the past so WHY do I feel guilty about the possibility of hurting others?

Being honest with myself over the last few months has enabled be to feel truly feel free and does not matter who agrees with what I am writing….this is how I feel and these are my views and no-one can change that. I am being authentic and truthful to myself. I am setting myself free from my inner deep rooted turmoil.

I have learnt and I am still learning from my past, I am not reliving it, I am moving on, I am changing the meaning of it. I am creating a NEW DAY!

The people that have been in my life (good or bad) have their own story to tell, they have their own feelings, their own emotions and demons. They also have the opportunity to tell their own story if they wish; I am not stopping them.

I need to be able to put down my burdens, I want to be the grandest version of the greatest vision of me that I can be! (Dax Moy 2012)

I am a Health, Lifestyle & Fitness Coach helping other people to transform their lives

I am going to have a fantastic relationship with my hubby and kids

I am going to be visiting all areas of my life and implementing change continuously. I don’t want to hold onto the “shit” day to day. I want to create a NEW Day! Peace and love and just be happy.

I have not been whacked on the head…..life is too short for all the anger, resentment, frustration but at the moment I dont know if I will ever be able to forgive….do I need to?


Post 12 Chris Tuck ‘My Story’ – Hypnotherapy first session

September 6, 2012

Well what can I say…let me start at the beginning…..

I joined my local BNI group 8 weeks ago because I believe that I am going to grow my business by word of mouth and raising my profile in my local area.

I have meet some wonderful people at BNI and I have started to work with many of them. My chapter is mainly men and I did feel like I had made a mistake by joining this particular chapter. Many trades people join BNI and get alot of business from it. Health and alternative therapies are seen as luxuries and trying to get business from the other BNI members is hard work until you know how to do it.

I started having 1:1 chats with as many people as I could over the last few weeks and by talking about my real clients and the results that I have achieved I am now getting somewhere. The members are starting to trust me and understand the unique service that I offer.

A big part of BNI is to network at other chapters and get yourself known…..I have done this and this is where I met Tanya the Hypnotherapist.  At first I saw Tanya as competition but once I got over my preconceived ideas and actually talked to her I found that we could help each other grow our businesses by pooling our expertise and giving our clients a very unique and fantastic service.

We had a long chat and I ended up interviewing Tanya for my client WWHF newsletter which went out yesterday.

At the same time I agreed to Personal train Tanya and she agreed to give me Hypnotherapy treatment to deal with my past issues. All the turmoil and emotions that are surfacing from writing ‘My Story’.

Well today I had my first session…..I was quiet anxious about what was expected from me and wondered what it entailed.

Tanya has already taken a detailed history from me about my past to my present. I sat in a comfy reclining chair and I covered myself with a blanket. I heard Tanya talk to me in a calming voice and she talked me into a relaxed state.

Tanya said she wanted to work on some specific areas but how the session panned out would be up to what came out of me during the session.

Tanya talked about taking myself to a nice safe place, a place where I felt happy and secure…..unfortunately my mind was blank, she asked me to visualise a colour……my mind was black but when i really focused flashes of light blue and green came into my mind as sharp and clear as day but then would disappear and be replaced by black.

I was aware of where I was throughout. I was aware of Tanya talking to me but most of the things she was trying to get me to tune into was not happening. I was not feeling or thinking anything.

Tanya wanted to work on bonds with me and love that I felt for my children. She asked me to try and describe to her my daughter because I could not bring my daughters face into my mind. Then a picture of my daughter flashed up as a 18month old baby when she was cute and angelic, happy and laughing; this was followed by a picture of my son when he was about a year old sitting on my shoulders and screaming with laughter.

I then became very emotional as pictures of my mum came into my head holding my sister and brother at the age of 2 and 4. A Lovely picture except this was when my mum had left us……we were on a rare visit to her and she was holding onto my siblings tightly and smiling into the camera. They were holding a stick of rock and some opal fruits each. This is a happy but sad photo…..I remember the sadness which I felt when we had to leave mum and go back home to my dad and Vi.

Other photos came flashing in and out of my head of when I was young about 2 or 3 with my brother Dave. We are in our back garden in Chislehurst. I am holding a hose pipe with one of my fingers in the hole of the hosepipe and Dave is just looking at the camera smiling we appeared really happy but were we??

Tanya asked me what I was feeling and I said abandoned, unloved and angry.

Now reflecting back on it I can only think that I was comparing me and my siblings with my kids at the same age. My kids had a loving and happy childhood and my was different.

There was another painful traumatic experience that my mind flashed up but I am not going to talk about this today…..I am still processing it.

Tanya was asking me questions throughout and I cannot even remember all of them but my mind was jumping all over the place.

Tanya  said afterwards that there was alot of blocking going on especially when something was painful or emotional but it is clear that I need to do some work on my inner child. I dont really know what this means yet but I will share with you over the forthcoming weeks.

During the hypnosis I was aware of what I was doing and saying. I was able to answer Tanya’s questions where I could but sometimes I felt my jaw tighten and I was not able to physically speak.

When Tanya bought me back from the relaxed state I was emotional and my head felt weird.  I had abit of a headache and fuzzy headed. On the drive home my eyes were sore but I felt my head clearing; my limbs felt lighter. Later on in the day I starting to feel like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and today I feel more peaceful.

So there you have it my first hypnotherapy session……I really cannot wait for my next week.

Healthy regards

Chris

 

 


Post 11 Chris Tuck ‘My Story’ – Holiday Truths & Expectations

September 5, 2012

I have just had my first hypnotherapy session. It was emotional and liberating…..even though I am tired from it it has freed up my mind enough for me to write a few blogs :O)

Whilst on my holiday I tried not to think about or dwell on anything that would make me think about the past or niggles in my current relationship. I just tried to concentrate on the now and enjoy whatever I was doing. Sometimes this was extremely hard for me to do.

  • I laid on a sun bed reading fiction, not one study back in sight!!
  • I slept when I wanted to
  • I ate some treats
  • I played with my children in the pool, went down the water slide, I played cards, I played pool.
  • I spoke to my husband in a non judgemental way and let him do what he wanted to do
  • I left my phone at home
  • I stayed away from the computer and face book
  • I had 2 fabulous massages

I just wanted to relax! The was my main aim and priority.

You see all my other holidays have been spent reading and researching or studying for work, for the career that I now have and love. whilst I was doing this I was not spending quality time with my kids and I expected my husband to do his fair share. I expected to him to step up to the plate and entertain the children for awhile.

One of the main things that I have come to grips with over the last few months is trying to re-balance the amount of time I spend on work and to spend more time with my family. Even though I want to invest in my career as a Health Coach and spend more time doing courses and researching I have been doing this at the expense of my family and this is not fair on them.

On this holiday I had no expectations I just wanted to go with the flow and see what happened.

We went away with another family from West Wickham and this was a real eye opener for me. The way my friend handled situations and communicated with her husband and son taught me a few lessons which I am now going to try and implement.

My friend  asked us all in turn what we would like to do next, we all had our say. There was often agreement on some things like going to the beach, disagreement about going shopping etc. She would then say well how about doing a b c today and then perhaps x, y,z tomorrow. The men did not want to come shopping so we all agreed that they should stay behind and we would take the kids and then that way everyone would be happy. She used consultation and inclusion; she managed to get everyone on board.

what made me laugh though was the two husband’s said they were easy that they would go with the flow. We ended up walking to the nearest town and the kids especially the boys wanted to do some shopping! The two men became grumpy and voiced their dislike by scowling and looking completely miserable. My friend asked what their problems was? she said I asked you what you wanted to do and you said you were easy. Next time don’t lie and speak up…..you could have stayed behind and everyone would have been happy!!

When she had a disagreement with her husband or her son she would immediately talk to them about it in such a way that it got sorted. she would talk about feelings and emotions around the particular situation.

Now I know this sounds like common sense to most of you but when there has been no proper communication in your own relationship for a very long time its a revelation seeing it in practise and it makes sense to deal with things there and then!

In my relationship I would make a suggestion, my hubby would think about it, mull it over or tell me to choose. By the time he would make a decision it was too late in the day or the time had passed or i would make a decision and then he would not go along with it!!!

This made me angry and frustrated.

This went on for quite a while (years) and then in the end I started just to tell him that I was doing abc and that he was welcome to come along if he wanted to; I no longer consulted with him.

He often declined or find a reason not to come so that lead to me not even bothering telling him what I was doing; I would just do it and take the kids with me so all communication had broken down. This became the norm and before you knew it we were living two different lives.

Over the last 18months I have been on many courses and we would often only really discuss when we were working and who was going to look after the children and even this became a battle ground.

I wanted to learn more and move my business on. When he was not working he wanted to sleep or do nothing. He started to resent it when I went out on courses; he resented the money I spent and he resented that I was not at home looking after the house and maybe him.

I saw him putting blocks in my way and not being supportive. I think at this moment in time we both feel like this still but we are going to work on it :O)

The kids started to fall in the middle which was not fair. They always had someone looking after them but they became bit of afterthought rather than our main priority.

Now I have no intention on giving up on my career as a Health Coach because this is my purpose and my passion however rather than concentrating all my efforts on my business I have to find a NEW balance and this is going to be a big learning curve for me.

My friend’s approach on how she deals with her relationships was a real eye opener to me it reminded me that there once was a time when I did communicate with husband and how to actually do this. sometimes I do feel like the process is abit over the top because I do just want to get some stuff done however I have learnt and accepted that I need to do more of this.

My hubby actually said to me I am glad that you don’t go on about my feelings all the time I couldn’t deal with that. Hmmm I think that is where our problems lie and one that I will be working on from my end :O)

Have you any lessons or experiences or comments that you can pass on to me?

 

coming up in the next few blogs….

1) Is What I am doing right?

2) Putting pen to paper

3) The struggles of being a business owner, a mum and a wife

4) My first Hypnotherapy session 5/9/12


Post 10 Chris Tuck ‘My Story’ – Smoking

September 1, 2012

There are many things that have bothered me over the years and smoking is one of them. Now I am not having a pop at smokers I am just sharing with you my thoughts and feelings around this topic.

Perhaps you can help me understand my thoughts and feelings?

In a nutshell smoking nearly killed my mum, it ruined my teenage years; most of which I spent in my bedroom so building normal relationship with my mum and siblings was difficult, I could not socialise in pubs because it made me ill, it made my hair and clothes stink. Cigarettes made me angry and resentful!!

When I lived at home age  11-15 (1981-1985) Mum and George would chain smoke all day and every day. There was 2 doors to the front room, one from the hallway and one from the kitchen. Both of these doors were kept closed along with the windows. When I used to open on of these doors to ask either of them something, the smoke would fly out of the room! The walls and ceiling were stained yellow and you could not breathe. I spent most of my teenage years in my bedroom or the kitchen; I could not stand the smoke!!

Did I resent this??? of course I bloody did and even now it makes me angry and sad thinking about it.

When I was 18 (1988) everyone I hung around with would go down the pub to socialise. I would get ready…..wash my hair, put on my best clean clothes. We would turn up at the pub and the smoke would hit me as soon as I walked through the door even when we headed for the non-smoking bar! My eyes would go red and begin to itch….my nose would run. My clothes would stink and I would be tense all evening. I would glare at anyone who came anywhere near me with a cigarette and on one of my first visits to the pub….I actually opened the front door and wafted in some fresh air much to the disgust of my boyfriend and friends. They were embarrassed!

When I got home from the pub I could not go to bed with smoky hair I would have to wash it…..I really resented all smokers!! I eventually stopped going out because it upset me too much. It was a major thing for me when smoking got banned and I could at last go out and enjoy myself and socialise :O)

I am completely intolerant of smoking because it kills. It took away my teenage family years and it nearly killed my mum :O(

In 1993 I was 23 I lived in Shirley Crescent, Elmers End. I owned a V reg yellow mini….I loved this car.

One day I received a phone call from my step-dad George….telling me not to worry but my mum had collapsed. She was in the Maudsley hospital fighting for her life. He said he did not want us – her children – rushing up to the hospital because we would not be allowed in to see her. He told me only next of  kin were allowed, which meant him only.

There was and is no love lost between George and us kids. He was trying to control this situation like he tried to control every other situation in my teenage years!

I remember sitting on my stairs whilst taking this call….I was so angry and frustrated with him….I wanted to throttle him. Who the hell did he think he was? telling me to stay away from my mum who at that point in time was undergoing life saving surgery and we did not know if she was going to pull through or not.

I immediately called the hospital and explained to them what George had told me and they said that we were welcome to come up any time but only 2 people would be allowed in to see her at any time. They also told me exactly what had happened……Mum had suffered from a bleed on her brain….2 burst blood vessels one in her head and the other in her neck.

I called George back and told him he was a liar and what the hospital had said to me. He then backtracked and said that was not what he was told! I told him that I was calling all my siblings and that we would be visiting my mum asap whether he liked it or not!

I really felt like killing him at this moment in time….my anger towards this bloke knew no bounds. If I could get away with murder I probably would have done it! After the way he had treated my siblings and me over the years he deserved nothing less.

However I was getting stronger in my self, I was sorting out my life. I had my first house, my own car, a loving relationship and I was building my career. I did not want to do time for him! This would not have achieved anything for me at this time; however I know he will get his just deserts in the end.

I will talk about George in more depth another time….when I have calmed down!

For a few months prior to this phone call my sisters and I had noticed that mum was becoming clumsy, she was forgetting things and dropping things at regular intervals.

Mum was a a heavy smoker, did not really take care of herself nutritionally and apart from walking slow everywhere didn’t do any exercise.

Before this illness Mum could be quite aggressive when she was upset. She was a fiery & feisty person. Secretive and protective of us in her own way; but not overtly cuddly or loving.

She was always trying to keep the peace between my step dad and us kids. She would keep some of the house keeping back from George to buy us something that we badly needed like shoes or clothes; he would spend the rest of the money down the pub at every given opportunity.

When I saw mum in ICU she had had her emergency operation; 1/2 her head was shaved off and she had staples in her head and neck. She was on a ventilator and she had lots of tubes coming out of her body.

She looked old and vulnerable.

I spoke to her Consultant myself because as usual George was trying to control the situation and would not give me any of the relevant and correct information. The consultant had told me that mum’s aneurysms were caused my her lifestyle and cigarette smoking.

I was really upset I had always been anti-smoking and now unfortunately I had been proved right. I stood over my mum stroking her head and holding her hand….telling her I loved her and that she now needed to look after herself. She needed to kick her habit.

She took the ventilator off her mouth and said: “I need a fucking cigarette, they will not let me have a fucking cigarette!”

I looked at her with my mouth wide open….I could not believe what I was hearing. Here she was in intensive care just after having had major brain surgery and all she could think about was her bloody cancer sticks!

I explained to mum that her consultant said her condition was due to her lifestyle especially the cigarette smoking.

Mum’s exact words were “If I cannot have a cigarette, the only pleasure in my life; then i have nothing to live for!”

  • I felt like I had been punched in the guts.
  • I felt like I had been abandoned again.
  • I felt unloved, angry and frustrated.

I told her that she was being selfish and didn’t she think her children were worth living for?

At that moment in time I wondered what the hell I was doing at the hospital and why was I wasting my time??

As for George he continued to be a complete arsehole. He was on benefits, not working and he would complain that going to and from the Maudsley everyday was wearing him out and the travelling was costing him lots of money. Money that he did not have apparently…..always had money for alcohol though…that’s another story.

It was all about him as ever and not about my MUM. He is the the most selfish and self centred person I know.

My Mum was in the Maudsley for a good few weeks. They had put stents in her veins to open them up so that the blood could flow to her brain properly.  She had a few setbacks in this time; she  had two strokes which caused her to lose her vocabulary, the use of the left side of her body and her emotions.

Mum became more childlike, everything was about her and what everyone could do for her. she could not articulate what she wanted and would often use ‘FUCK’ every other word….she still does to this day. She cannot help it.

After a few weeks Mum was moved to a Rehab facility for stroke patients. She had to learn how to walk, talk and her feed herself again. She was often frustrated and angry. I went to see her at least every other day….at this time I worked in Gatwick which was more than a 60min drive each way and then I would drive another hour to see Mum. I didn’t mind but it was tiring.

George would often ask if I could give him a lift because it was too far and costly. I couldn’t really say no but I wanted to. Sitting next to him in the confined space of my mini made my skin crawl.

Eventually the frequency of his trips declined. I would often turn up and ask Mum if he had been to visit her and she said he is coming but he never turned up whilst I was there. He was too busy down the pub drowning his sorrows.

Whilst mum was in the recuperating I would often speak to her about leaving him. I knew for a fact that he beat her physically and the mental abuse was shocking.I witnessed this on a daily basis throughout my teenage years. On a few occasions she admitted to me what was going on but she would always say I have nowhere to go, I have no money, who would look after me? especially now? and I love him!!

Again I was shocked how could she or any woman put up with so much shit?? how could she stay with and protect the monster who had physically and mentally abused all her children and sexually abused one of them??

With all this anger, frustration and not understanding what was going on in my mums head…..WHY did I and DO I feel responsible for her? WHY did I and DO I stick around when everyone else has walked away??

I can only think that because I have been MUM for so long for all my siblings that perhaps I have taken this role on for my MUM because she was vulnerable?

(Whilst I am typing this I can feel my back and shoulders becoming tense, my face is becoming tight and tingly and I am craving food anything to fill up my tummy :O(

Because I was working I would often take my mum the supplies she needed and often slipped her £10 or £20 for food and telephone cards. George was always broke because he was pissing it up down the pub.

I told mum on many occasions that I could help get her into her own flat and maybe in time all her 6 kids would come back and see her with their children. To this day only 2 of us has anything to do with my mum. Each of them have good reason of their own for not seeing her and I do not stand in judgement of them. My siblings need to do what they need to do.

To protect my own well being I only see my mum 3-4 times per year. Always at Xmas and on her birthday to make sure she is alive and to give her some much needed money. I cannot stand seeing George or speaking to him.

Actually am just going to get off here and give her a call……I have not seen or spoken to her since March….

well have made the call and tried to get a date in the diary for her to come over and visit us but she says she needs to go shopping on that day???? I will try again soon.

I know I have a person called MUM in my life but unfortunately she has never been a mum in the true sense. I believe that she tried to do her very best for us some of the time. She did try and protect us some of the time, she tried to give us nice things some times. I have since found out that my mum’s childhood was not a bed of roses…she was sexually abused by one of her brothers. However as an adult my mum did have choices and she made some monumental errors and does not seemed to have learnt from them. Maybe I am being too harsh?unfair? I don’t know all I can do is say I feel, tell you what I experienced.

I just know I will not repeating these errors.

I get jealous of other people’s relationships with their mum’s. I want the ‘relationship’ with my mum but she is not mentally or physically capable of this anymore. Was she ever though?

This is another area of confusion for me….another area that I need to address at some stage.

All I know that writing this all down is freeing up my mind and making space for other stuff to come forward…..to be dealt with :O)

Back to the topic of smoking……I hope you can see now why I hate smoking…….:O)

As a Health Coach I cannot understand people’s need to smoke however after working at the Priory I do understand that it is addiction and one that can be hard to break. It is more addictive than cocaine however the 4000 chemicals contained within cigarettes are so bad for you that I cannot in any way shape or form understand why people would want to put those chemicals into their bodies.

I encourage my clients to get of cigarettes at the earliest opportunity. What astounded me with patients at the Priory was that their smoking increased as they dealt with their problems and even the patients that did not smoke took up smoking!!!!

Again I understand that dealing with emotional issues throws you into turmoil but taking up smoking is NOT the way to deal with it in my opinion. It is not just your air and your health that you are screwing up it is everyone around you!

Your thoughts??


Post 9 Chris Tuck ‘My Story’ – Confusion.

August 26, 2012

hmmmm I hope none of you think I am going weird on you?? I just want to be truthful. I am not very good at explaining myself or making things flowery. I tell things as they are…..this in the past has caused me trouble but ultimately being truthful has helped me cope with myself.

As you know I process things in boxes….I write a list….I tick the list of once items are done and this makes me feel good. I have achieved something!

As my relationship was becoming increasingly challenging my lists became longer, more challenging, they kept me going. All the while I was concentrating on getting my lists done I did not have to concentrate on what was really going on :O( it wasn’t the fact that I didn’t want to sort out my relationship…..it was more of a case of where to start.

I would try a few things and then end up going back to my ‘reactions’ rather than responding.

Relationships need time, effort and energy. I recently closed myself off from this because I was not getting what I thought I deserved, what I expected.

My other challenge is that I am able to keep people at arm’s length; if I feel like they are getting to close, I push them away. I do not want to be hurt or betrayed. I protect myself, this is my survival instinct kicking in.

I have been told that I am protecting my younger self, my inner child. I need to reassure my inner child that she cannot be hurt anymore; that she has grown up and can protect herself.

I need to break the ‘MUM’ ties with my siblings so that I am just their sister.

Without being horrible to any of my siblings I have at times felt

  • unappreciated
  • taken for granted
  • expected to pick up the pieces

My personal coach told me that as my role as ‘Mum’ what did I expect. This is how all children treat their mum’s. They expect their mum to be there for them no matter what.

Have I got myself to blame? I took on the role of ‘Mum’ when I was 7……I had to, there was no-one else. This role I continued and I enjoyed it…..but from time to time I want to put this role to bed. I just want to be a sister…..when the shit hits the fan which it has done on a few occasions who could I turn to?

No-one….that is what it felt like.

My mum was not in a position to help me again this is another post…..all my siblings were having problems of their own and unless it impacts ‘My Story’ I will not be discussing these issues.

As I am getting treatment I will be dealing with these emotions and putting everything into perspective. this is about me sorting myself out and changing. Whatever the outcome is; it will be the best for everyone concerned.

I want praise from MY MUM and DAD but this is just not a reality….I need to deal with this so that I can genuinely accept compliments from other people.

I want to be able to freely cuddle other people and be able to say thank you to those close to me without feeling like the words are choking me.

Some of my emotions and feelings are not normal for most people but apparently they are normal for someone like me :o)

Working on myself is draining….I want to sleep….my focus is not on my work.

My work needs time, energy and focus; but so does my marriage and family. I feel torn in two most of the time.

As I am writing this my hubby has gone on strike……even though I have double what he has done today he has now gone on strike because I am typing up my blog…..jealous??? god knows he knows what needs doing but he wants be to help every step of the way…..so to keep the peace….I am now signing off and I will blog again when I get back from holiday!

Bye for now and if you have any suggestions or comments constructive ones I would appreciate them :O)

Chris x

 

 


Post 8 Chris Tuck ‘My Story’ – Change starts with you.

August 24, 2012

Working with my Life Coach and my little chats with Dax Moy in other groups I have learnt that change starts with you! Now this is not an easy pill to swallow….who likes to be told that what they believe in and what they practise on a day to day basis is not serving them well?

I don’t want to say wrong….because what I have believed has served me well up to a point it helped me survive but I am in  a place in my life now that this is no longer relevant. I have just got to be able to let ago off my ‘beliefs’ and respond in a different way.

My problem was I didn’t realise what I was doing. Once it was pointed out to me I didn’t like it one bit but I thought it over for a few days and then in my head I realised that what I was doing was not serving me.

Holding on to my emotions and feelings was making me ill. Being secretive about business plans was making me feel ill.

So CHANGE starts with you! The way you react to situations causes an a chain of events which will wither make you angry or in control and calm.

Rather than reacting you need to respond to each situation appropriately……you need coping strategies…..this is what i have been taught and what has helped me respond differently.

1) Count to 10 – when I feel angry or feel like making a dig at loved ones…..smiling, walking away and counting to 10 helps

2) Saying ” I am sorry but I cannot respond to this right now because I am feeling”….angry, upset, confused……”I will talk to you about this later”

3) Saying “Sorry I have not had time to do the hoovering today because I have been doing XYZ, but I would really appreciate it if you could do the hoovering if you have a spare 10 mins” Thank you.

4) Praise your loved ones for every little thing they do even if it does not feel natural to you at the moment. After all they expect you as a wife, mother to be there and do everything…..why can you not expect the same? When it gets to a point in your relationship where everything is taken for granted point 4 is a MUST! to bring back some mutual respect and gratitude back into the relationship.

As I have said before when the above was explained to me I was angry and frustrated…..I thought ‘Why is it me that has got to do all the work? Why is is not a 50:50 effort from me and my husband?

I was told that I was the one that is aware that the relationship could not carry on as it was……I was the one that knew that something needed to change and expecting other people to change just does not work.

I must admit in my own head I was saying to myself…..if I do XYZ then Phil will do ABC and when he didn’t do this but did the opposite I was left feeling confused, frustrated and angry.

The poor bloke didn’t have a clue what I expected from him and at the moment still does not. But I am learning to respond rather than react so this is bringing about positive change in itself.

I am not saying things are easy because they are not. I really have to work at not reacting to certain situations biting my tongue, saying sorry and walking away is a big thing for me.

I am used to doing things my own way, I am used to standing my ground, I am used to protecting myself and not relying on anyone.

I have always had a backup plan…..a safety net…..a plan B.

My Personal Coach said all the while I have a Plan B, Plan A will not work. So I have scrapped any thoughts of a plan B and am going 100% after a Plan A :O)

So I am working on responding to situations and not reacting without thought! I want peace and resolution…..what about you?

If the answer is YES then you need to look at what you are doing or have done and change your response to it.

Remember “Nothing changes; if nothing changes!”

‘My Story’ will show people that I practise what I preach in the main…to the best of my knowledge at the time. I endeavour to always try and find the truth so that I can set myself FREE’

Any anyone reading ‘My Story’ can do the same :O)


Post 7 – Chris Tuck ‘My Story’ – Lifestyle Choices

August 22, 2012

I want to help people take control of their health and wellness through their lifestyle choices.

Ultimately mindset, nutrition and fitness.

My whole ethos is holistic treating the person as a whole, looking at what is not working for them, helping and supporting them to change through my C.L.E.A.N. Living Programme.

Ultimately getting a team of people together who can work together to change people’s life’s around. I joined a BNI networking group 6 weeks ago and already meet a Life Coach, a Hypnotherapist and a Chiropractor who treats people holistically. I want to be able to offer people  an alternative system to going into a Psychiatric hospital or going onto medication for a long period of time without dealing with the root cause of their problems.

The change process is a hard one…..as you know I am experiencing this at the moment myself…..but if I walk the walk, I will be able to talk the talk.

I know we are all unique, I know we all have different circumstances however by being true & authentic (a concept explained to me by Dax Moy, Brian Grasso, Carrie Campbell & Kevin Mclernon at FEB this year) I will only improve and grow and get to where I want to be both in my personal and business life.

I have found my true purpose and I believe it is to get ‘My Story’ out there to inspire as many people as possible. Now I know that we all have a story to tell…..well I am not stopping any of you tell your story…..in fact I want to encourage this…..I know that writing ‘My Story’ is going to be one of the BEST things that I have ever done :O) even though there is probably going to be alot of unhappy people out there (talk about this in another post!) once ‘My Story’ becomes a reality. And yes this is starting to bother me.

Going back to my vision of an alternative service; my main aim would be too work on a person’s mindset, their nutrition, hydration & exercise as an alternative to medication and them taking control of their lives again.

By using services such as:

  • Hypnotherapy
  • Counselling
  • CBT
  • Psychotherapy
  • Massage
  • Fitness – Mind & Body, Walking
  • Cookery & Nutrition classes

I left the Priory (private psychiatric hospital) 2 months ago as mentioned before because my vision no longer fitted their business model. It is all about the numbers, not about providing the care that the patient actually needs; to feel better for the long term…..

The patients were given medication, CBT, psychotherapy and other groups but no attention was given to their nutrition or their fitness. I feel that this is key along with the mindset treatment in getting the patient to a healthier and happier life.

I understand that providing 1:1 therapy is costly but so many patients needed this but could not have it because their insurance only covered group therapy.

However these patients were the lucky ones what about all those people who do not have insurance or the money to go to a private psychiatric hospital….the already strained NHS has to pick up these patients and well the care is alot to be desired! so many patients came from the NHS Psychiatric hospital with many unpleasant stories.

Of course my service is going to cost and again I am being hypocritical?……..but I want to show the private sector that they can improve their patients recovery by treating their patients holistically and then role out segments of this programme to the NHS.

In the long term this will save the NHS untold amounts of money.

What do you think?