I am now starting to look forward to putting pen to paper in order to express myself. A place to write down my thoughts and feelings. It’s a very powerful tool and mental release.
As a woman and a business woman I feel that my workload is already more than my male counterpart (there are always exceptions to the rule :O), like my brother Dave).
Now please don’t think I am putting down the males species I am not :O) These are my thoughts, my feelings and I need to express them. I am not carrying a chip on my shoulder just expressing how I feel.
- I felt my dad let me down, us down; he did not support us with our step family
- I was abused my a man that I thought liked me
- I felt my hubby let me down, did not support me when I suffered from a stress breakdown at work
- I felt like I had to constantly prove myself in the workplace and at home.
- I feel like that now when I read face book updates about getting on with things – the male fit pro’s seem to have the time to do it but the women fitpro’s who are mum’s seem to struggle to fit it all in :O)
In my 20’s I just wanted a child to love but this conflicted with my need to have a secure roof over my head & money in the bank. Both my husband & I both agreed that we would buy our own home, be married and have some savings before we started for a family.
From the age of 18 to 28 I worked full time and studied in the evenings and at weekend to become qualified. My annual leave was spent in a class room revising for my exams. All my earnings after bills went on my education. There was no spare cash for holidays, there was no time to take any holidays.
When I was 30 in 2000 I felt like I had made it…..
- I had qualified as a Chartered Management Accountant
- I had my dream job as a Financial Controller
- I was earning £30k and had a good bonus scheme in place
- I was married (not so happy looking back)
- I had my son Ben who was 18months old
- I had my house in West Wickham
- I had savings in the bank
This is what I had always dreamed of…..so why was I suffering, why was I not truly happy? why was I stressed?
I was in charge of the day to day running of the accounts dept, management of 7 staff, the computer system which would always be crashing, budgeting, forecasting, actuals, P&L & BS. I was also put in charge of implementing a new computer system along with two consultants who expected me to do all the work. It was far to much for 2 people let alone me on my own.
My 18month old son Ben was in daytime nursery from 8am to 6pm…..my job was very demanding. I was working longer and longer hours. I would often arrange for my sister to pick Ben up and look after him til 8pm. I would then drive 6 miles to pick Ben up, drive 6 miles home, spend some time with Ben, sort out the house, get dinner on and get everything ready for the next day.
My hubby being a policeman worked shift work and at this time his job came first and help with Ben and the house was not forthcoming :O(
I felt guilty about not having more time with Ben, I felt bad about not being able to give more time to my job even though I felt I was doing too much anyway! I felt angry at my hubby for not pulling his weight and being more supportive. I was angry and frustrated at myself for not seeming to be able to cope. This is what I wanted, this is what I have strived for.
To add to the mounting stress…..
In this firm CEO, the Finance Director, the Operations Director were all male. At this time they were trying to float the company on AIM and the figures were not stacking up. The Operations Director was putting pressure on me to inflate the figures; I refused. It was morally and ethnically wrong.
The Ops director and the CEO were getting really angry with me and the Finance director basically said that I would not get very far in the company if I did not agree. I told him that if he wanted to go along with their scheme then they he can do the figure work and put his name to it; but I was not doing it.
I had spent 10 long years getting qualified and they wanted me to put my head on the line.
I was in a real quandary…..I didn’t know what to do……do I do as I was told and lose my self worth and potentially be struck off or do I refuse and lose my job.
Well the pressure from work, home and not being with Ben became too much and one day at work……I lost it.
I was sitting in front of my computer……trying to meet a deadline….I had had an argument with my hubby about something probably childcare….I had been given another ultimatum from my Directors. I looked at the spreadsheet I was working on and the numbers starting to jump out from the screen….I started screaming and crying I thought I was going mad.
Part 2 – Mental Health.