hmmmm I hope none of you think I am going weird on you?? I just want to be truthful. I am not very good at explaining myself or making things flowery. I tell things as they are…..this in the past has caused me trouble but ultimately being truthful has helped me cope with myself.
As you know I process things in boxes….I write a list….I tick the list of once items are done and this makes me feel good. I have achieved something!
As my relationship was becoming increasingly challenging my lists became longer, more challenging, they kept me going. All the while I was concentrating on getting my lists done I did not have to concentrate on what was really going on :O( it wasn’t the fact that I didn’t want to sort out my relationship…..it was more of a case of where to start.
I would try a few things and then end up going back to my ‘reactions’ rather than responding.
Relationships need time, effort and energy. I recently closed myself off from this because I was not getting what I thought I deserved, what I expected.
My other challenge is that I am able to keep people at arm’s length; if I feel like they are getting to close, I push them away. I do not want to be hurt or betrayed. I protect myself, this is my survival instinct kicking in.
I have been told that I am protecting my younger self, my inner child. I need to reassure my inner child that she cannot be hurt anymore; that she has grown up and can protect herself.
I need to break the ‘MUM’ ties with my siblings so that I am just their sister.
Without being horrible to any of my siblings I have at times felt
- taken for granted
- expected to pick up the pieces
My personal coach told me that as my role as ‘Mum’ what did I expect. This is how all children treat their mum’s. They expect their mum to be there for them no matter what.
Have I got myself to blame? I took on the role of ‘Mum’ when I was 7……I had to, there was no-one else. This role I continued and I enjoyed it…..but from time to time I want to put this role to bed. I just want to be a sister…..when the shit hits the fan which it has done on a few occasions who could I turn to?
No-one….that is what it felt like.
My mum was not in a position to help me again this is another post…..all my siblings were having problems of their own and unless it impacts ‘My Story’ I will not be discussing these issues.
As I am getting treatment I will be dealing with these emotions and putting everything into perspective. this is about me sorting myself out and changing. Whatever the outcome is; it will be the best for everyone concerned.
I want praise from MY MUM and DAD but this is just not a reality….I need to deal with this so that I can genuinely accept compliments from other people.
I want to be able to freely cuddle other people and be able to say thank you to those close to me without feeling like the words are choking me.
Some of my emotions and feelings are not normal for most people but apparently they are normal for someone like me :o)
Working on myself is draining….I want to sleep….my focus is not on my work.
My work needs time, energy and focus; but so does my marriage and family. I feel torn in two most of the time.
As I am writing this my hubby has gone on strike……even though I have double what he has done today he has now gone on strike because I am typing up my blog…..jealous??? god knows he knows what needs doing but he wants be to help every step of the way…..so to keep the peace….I am now signing off and I will blog again when I get back from holiday!
Bye for now and if you have any suggestions or comments constructive ones I would appreciate them :O)