When I first started compiling ‘My Story’ I just wanted to tell my side of it. I wanted to show people what I had been through, how I had coped, and what I had achieved so far in my life.
For all that is still wrong or needs to be changed I am also very proud of what I have achieved and of whom I am.
I used to be ashamed of who I was and the my background.
I felt like I had overcome so many things, I felt like I had come out of a very long dark tunnel and that I was now in a position to show others that no matter what happened in the past that it does not need to dictate your future.
How NAIVE was I???
Compiling ‘My Story’ has thrown up many issues that i have not actually dealt with yet. I honestly thought that I had :O)
It has shown me that I still hold many strong emotions and feelings that are holding me back.
It has shown me that some of my beliefs and the way that I conduct myself is damaging my current relationship. My brother had been through alot of counselling lately…..as a result of finding himself he has made contact with various aunts, uncles, cousins, my real dad’s mum and even some of our step sister’s.
Now my feelings and thoughts about particular people in my life are still held strong in my heart and head as Chris the 7 year old, Chris the 11 year old, Chris the 15 year old. Although I now understand intellectually that some particular people in my life probably did not understand what their actions were doing to me, my emotional self especially my inner child has not dealt with the the anger & the upset that I and my siblings went through.
All I had done was bury it because it was in the past and harping on over your past is not going to help you today and in the future is it??
My brother has talked to me about making contact with them but I feel really let down by all and sundry. We wanted and waited for someone, anyone to come and help us and no-one came. I don’t want to get hurt again so why would I put myself a place where this would happen again?
Again as I am typing up my notes I am now thinking is this Chris the adult talking or Chris the small frightened child?
Dave told me that things that we experienced in the past and what we remember in our heads is not the whole story. For example our aunt did not know the full extent of what was happening to us.
My step-sisters (most of them) in my mind were unnesscarily cruel to us and I go into more detail in the book from my point of view you will see why. But again my brother told me that he has spoken to some of my step-sisters and their lives have not been happy either.
Now as I compile ‘My Story’ I am confused yet again……
- Do I write about my step-sisters?
- Do I leave the past in the past?
- Does the truth really need to come out?
- Will I hurt alot of people by telling the truth as I experienced it?
- Will I cause alot of upset and anger?
I truly believe that what I am trying to achieve with ‘My Story’ is to show others my journey from a cruel negative environment to a positive and fulfilling one. I have not sensationalised anything…..I have been 100% truthful and factual. I have experienced everything that I have written about. I have or am overcoming emotions and feelings that are keeping me in the past so WHY do I feel guilty about the possibility of hurting others?
Being honest with myself over the last few months has enabled be to feel truly feel free and does not matter who agrees with what I am writing….this is how I feel and these are my views and no-one can change that. I am being authentic and truthful to myself. I am setting myself free from my inner deep rooted turmoil.
I have learnt and I am still learning from my past, I am not reliving it, I am moving on, I am changing the meaning of it. I am creating a NEW DAY!
The people that have been in my life (good or bad) have their own story to tell, they have their own feelings, their own emotions and demons. They also have the opportunity to tell their own story if they wish; I am not stopping them.
I need to be able to put down my burdens, I want to be the grandest version of the greatest vision of me that I can be! (Dax Moy 2012)
I am a Health, Lifestyle & Fitness Coach helping other people to transform their lives
I am going to have a fantastic relationship with my hubby and kids
I am going to be visiting all areas of my life and implementing change continuously. I don’t want to hold onto the “shit” day to day. I want to create a NEW Day! Peace and love and just be happy.
I have not been whacked on the head…..life is too short for all the anger, resentment, frustration but at the moment I dont know if I will ever be able to forgive….do I need to?