As I write my book I will be sharing with you the ups and downs emotionally and physically.
I tried to write ‘My Story’ about 10 years ago……I thought I was ready. I have had counselling in the past, I thought I had dealt with my emotions……I really wanted to tell people about ‘My Story’. I truly thought it would help people so I started to write about 20 pages of notes in a small book. But actually putting pen to paper proved to be a different story…….as I thought about what happened the significant memories that I have it were too painful to carry on.
I felt anger, humiliation, deep hurt, regret and confusion. I was shaking and crying at the unjustness of it all. I put my notes away in a briefcase in the loft because I did not want anyone to find them especially my children.
I was emotionally drained for a couple of days but just shut everything off in my brain and carried on with my life. Patting myself on the back ‘for dealing with it’.
I thought no-one would really want to read what I had been through anyway so it was just as well to abandon the idea and protect myself from further hurt.
After all it was done and dusted…..wasn’t it?…..it was all in the past…..
I seemed to have been analysing myself all my life……trying to figure out why I was so different to my siblings….why had I managed to ‘come through’ things seemingly unscathed and intact? I have read many other similar autobiographies like ‘The Boy Called It’ to try and get an understanding of why there are such mean people in this world.
People who are adults…..that should be loving and protective….but in reality they are cruel, unloving, uncaring and aggressive.
I have had peers, experts who are more articulate than me explain to me the reasons for this and the reasons for that……most of this advise has been in the last 6 months as I have REALLY been trying to sort myself out; whilst putting together ‘My Story’.
As the result of my journey over the last 18months, I now feel that the time is right to pick up my ‘old’ notebook confront my emotions and get ‘My Story’ out there. Even if ‘My Story’ only helps one person to turn their life around I will be truly happy.
But selfishly this is also for me, it is a chance for me to recognise what I have achieved publicly, to shout from the roof tops that the past was not my fault, but staying with the emotions and the hurt in the present is my choice and I choose to leave this behind. I want to be truly happy and at peace.
I feel that I am still carrying alot of baggage personally and I didn’t realise it until it was pointed out to me over the last 2 months! Finally writing ‘My Story’ with the help of Karen Laing will lead me to peace and happiness.
Karen & I meet up in Feb this year to talk about the outline of ‘My Story’ and this was a big step for me. Since Feb I have been on an emotional roller coaster; in the main one that I have been in control of but occasionally I have had a blip :O) all to be expected really!
Whilst I have been dealing with the upset and issues caused by ‘My Story’ I have been able to function on my Health & Fitness Business and all my clients because this is one area of my life that I am 100% fine with. Because of my experiences and knowledge I am able to help all my clients in many ways.
Helping others with their lives is easy for me…….there are no strong emotional ties……hmmmm even though I do feel some clients take a little piece of me but they also give LOTS back! :O)
My true PURPOSE and PASSION in life is achieving happiness & peace for me, my family, my siblings and my clients. This is an ongoing process and life throws as many curve balls that may make the journey bumpy and at times it may seem impossible.
Follow ‘My Story’ and you will realise that everything is possible, every barrier can be broken, there is always a way……you just have to ask and seek it out.
One of my challenges has been to ask for the help in the first place!!