When an animal gets wounded what does it do? It takes itself off to a quiet secluded area either a) to protect itself and get better or b) to die.
Well yesterday I felt like this wounded animal. Writing the book has made me feel vulnerable and overwhelmed. I know this is temporary and I know that at the end of the process I will be happier and stronger because there are many positives outcomes for going public which I will share.
All my siblings are very supportive of me writing the book especially as it is helping me. My sister Diane wrote to me yesterday via text and said the following:
“Don’t give up writing your book that’s how abusers get away with stuff. why let them win? I have not left my inner child ever and the book makes it all real for me now it’s not in my head anymore going around & around. I have so much anger and hatred towards them and it was they’re doing . Reading the book has made me so angry, the past has stopped me living. Reading what you have written has made me realise that it was not my fault and at the same time I am not small anymore, I am not that child. We have suffered enough. It’s time to be the adult that can’t be hurt anymore”
Now this is a massive breakthrough for my sister and I truly am happy about this. In my opinion Di has a long way to go but acknowledging the above is immense for her.
Mick my youngest brother also wrote to me yesterday. I am not going to repeat verbatim because I do not have his permission yet. He said that the story was powerful, there are bits that make the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. He says he feels sad and remembers some of the things that happened differently from me. Mick was 2 when I was 7 when it all started.
Mick said “I’m glad you shared this though, I think for me it helps me understand more,and even though I know we were all there I always hoped I suppose that no one felt like I did or still do”.
Yesterday I was very stressed and emotionally wounded. I then stood up in a room of 30+ people and told them about my story and why I was writing it; at the same time I received the above message from my brother Mick which just tipped me over the edge for that moment in time.
I received lots of cuddles, chats with Ali W and Lynn D and flowers yesterday made me feel supported and perked me up.
Today, this morning, right this minute I feel like me again just after 7 hours kip. Over night I have realised that writing the book and trying to promote it at the same time is not a good idea. Writing about personal moments is exhausting and emotional in itself (this is wounded me) so why did I put myself out in the open to be potentially shot down?
Abit melodramatic but maybe what I should have done is just keep myself to myself whilst I am in the writing process.
Anyway as I said I feel ok again this morning so am off to teach Booty then I have a day full of clients getting them back on track and then am spending a few hours on ‘My Story’.
Have a good day everyone and thank you :O)